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  • Florida Gulf Coast is why March Madness is awesome.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Well if you get into March Madness at all (and if you don't you may as well join Al Queda and call it a day) you know that Florida Gulf Coast basically won the weekend. Just going 'Mayhem' all over people's brackets! I mean a 15 seed? 15?! These are the Goomba teams. These are the teams that should get crushed like a beer bong hitting Frank the Tank's lips. These are the wrestler's that start in the ring and use their actual, legal name. They shouldn't be in the Sweet 16! And not only did they win they flat out DOMINATED. Alley-oop dunks, draining 3's, just all over the court. It looked like a crew from Rucker Park vising a Catholic prep school or something. Hell I thought the And One mixtape guy was going to pop out of the crowd screaming 'OHHHHH BABBBEEEYYYYY!' Just classic stuff. And the best part is this school has only had a basketball program since 1997! Which in my brain is like 5 years ago*! The only school mad about FGCU is probably LaSalle. Like any other year a 13 seed in the Sweet 16 is headline news. Now it's barely in the first segment of Sportscenter. But, again, that's why those last 4 days are some of the best in sports. FGCU, Wichita State (just guessing they're AJ Hawk's favorite team), Oregon and Lasalle all in the final 16. Not even Biff Tannon and his Sports Almanac had that. Only downside to the weekend was with all the close games we had no Gus Johnson game winning calls. And instead we have Doug Gottlieb on color commentary. Downgrade city, population: America.

    *I can't be the only one who thinks like that right? Like when someone says 'Oh that happened like 10 years ago' I think they're talking about 1992.

    PS: CBS kept on showing a smokebomb blond during the Georgetown/FGCU game. I just assumed it was a random hot fan but it turns out it's head coach Andy Enfield's wife!

    Sound the alarm! Where's Brent Musberger when you need him!

    Double PS: This was a pic tweeted out from an FGCU player. View from his dorm room. Looks like friekin' Del Boca Vista! I mean how easy is a recruiting trip for a top player? Show them this, a Sweet Sixteen banner and introduce them to your wife. 1960's style UCLA dynasty in no time flat.

  • My March Madness Final Four

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Somebody asked me what it was like to be a degenerate the other day. The above video I think pretty well illustrates what goes on in a degenerate's mind as he's trying to lay down a bet. Going back and forth, heart rate of 180, finally settling on a winner and immediately regretting it once you click submit/die of drinking the wrong cup. I do this for fun! So with that said the tournament this year is obviously a crap shoot. More movement in the top 10 than any other season. I think the #5 team in the country has 5 or 6 losses for cryin' out loud. So I could see literally anyone winning it, which probably means all four #1 seeds will show up in Atlanta. And before I give you my final four picks, in the interest of full disclosure, I've been filling out brackets since 1993 and won a pool ONCE. When Carmelo led 'Cuse to the title in 2002. So take my advice with a grain of salt because I'm the Trent Dilfer of March Madness. I won it one time and no one can figure out how. 

    So here it is: Louisvlle, Wisconsin, Kansas, Miami (FL). Miami over Louisville in the final. I just feel like the Hurricanes got shafted as a 2 seed. Won the ACC outright and then teh ACC tournament. Jim Larranaga is a great coach and now he's at a big program with talent. Again, do I feel confident in that pick? For sure not. Outside of a 1/16 matchup I don't feel great about any of these picks. Luckily I was raised Catholic. A crippling sense of fear and guilt mixed with anxiety is a part of the gig. So this is right in my wheelhouse! Honestly though Miami probably has as good a chance of anyone of winning the title or getting knocked out in the first round. But whatever! Let's go Cane's! Somebody do me a favor and cue the music!

    PS: I wanted to pick Indiana but I just couldn't. Something about Tom Crean's face I can't stand.

  • Dude makes picking his nose on national TV seem awesome.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    I don't always pick my nose, but when I do, I wink at 10 million people afterwards. Stay knuckle deep my friends. 

    I mean I'm at a loss for words with video. Normally you see people caught picking their nose and it's nothing but shame and guilt like they were raised Catholic or something. This guy did the opposite and owned it. Costanza 101.

    PS: I'm not sure how my brain works but the scene from Billy Madison where Billy sprays water on his pants to bail out Ernie is the first thing that popped into my head when I saw this. Doesn't make sense except that it makes perfect sense?

     

  • Get a load of this guy fanning himself with dollar bills at a spring training game.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    (I think youtube user John Feitelberg pretty much nailed it with the title of this video)

    How about this power move at a Yankee spring training game yesterday. Penn State shirt, Yankee hat, fanning himself down with dollar bills. Honestly I want to hate him but there's just so much to hate that I think I actually like him. Sort of like when Razor Ramon debuted in WWF and we were all supposed to hate him but he was so cool you couldn't help but love him? Say hello to the bad guy!

    PS: I can't get a clear look because this video was shot on a PrimeCo phone or something but if this is real life Ted Dibiase then I take everything bad I said about him back. Like I feel like there's a 2% chance this is him and Virgil is out getting him a beer or something.

  • Video of puppy learning how to catch is absolute gold.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Great 9 seconds or greatest 9 seconds*? I mean to say this put me in a much better mood this morning is a massive understatement. It's a Tuesday, it's mid-March and the wind chill is -15. Thank you internet gods (Al Gore, Mark Zuckerberg)! And I don't care what it means for my man card, I HAMMERED the replay button on this thing. Plus that's the least of my man cards problems. My man card problems start with the fact that I've seen every episode of Friends and Sex in the City and continue with the fact that I have a John Mayer playlist on my iPod. So this puppy video is more of a 'deck chair off the Titantic' type deal. Come to think of it watching this puppy video might be the maniliest thing I do today. 

    Also, this isn't a bad metaphor for me filling out my tournament bracket.

    *That's what she said.

    PS: Thank God whoever posted this didn't make it into a gif. I may have never stopped watching it. Those things are slippery slopes. I remember the first time I stumbled onto one it was a gif of Jessica Simpson circa Dukes of Hazard dancing in a bikini around the General Lee. So that's what happened to most of my 2006. 

  • Despite reports to the contrary, Clay Matthews' legs are 100% not broken.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Alright so like most of the world I woke up from a night on the town Saturday evening celebrating St. Patty's day*  to the news that Clay Matthews had been in a car accident and broken both of this legs. 2nd worst wakeup I've ever had. We won't get into the first because I don't feel like being on the phone with my mom for an hour tonight Catholic guilting me into a retraction. But this Matthews news was startling to say the least. Now having grown up in the internet age I'm always pretty skeptical of reports like this and particularly in this case because it was BOTH legs broken. I don't know why but that part of it seemed off to me. Plus I'm pretty sure you can't break titanium so there's that too. Thankfully the rumor was disposed of quickly and Clay addressed it on his feed later in the day:

    So it was all a false alarm and the lawlessness of internet reporting strikes again! One of the primary faults of the internet age. For all great things like viral videos, swimsuit models at the click of a button and Iron Sheik's Twitter, there's things like faulty reporting and Ann Coulter. Well it's time for someone to take a stand! I'm not sure who started this rumor and had me scrambling for my Life Alert but I intend to find out. Until someone pays for one of these hoaxes they'll just run rampant forever! Well whoever this person in pissed of the wrong person. Someone with copious amounts of time and 24 hour internet access. So my advice to you is run and hide a$$hole, run and hide.

    *Internet tough guy translation: I ate a resonably portioned meal with one Guiness on Saturday night and fell asleep before the end of 20/20 only to wake up bright and early on Sunday and watch SNL on my DVR with a cup of coffee.

  • On the subject of Greg Jennings, the Viking.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Remain calm Packer fans! All is well! Felt like I had to address the Greg Jennings situation because of all the (mostly hilarious) venom being spit his way on social media on Friday and Saturday. Greg pulling a Brent! Greg is greedy! Way to be loyal Craig! First of all, I feel like we address this EVERY time a player leaves one of our teams. Same thing with CC, same thing with Prince. Bottom line is this, the NFL and all sports are a business. I'd like to live in a fantasy world too where athletes care about winning and not money. I'd love to live in a world where all of our favorite players stay with us for their whole career like Donald Driver. But that's not what it is 99% of the time. Driver was the 1%. You want someone to blame for that blame Curt Flood. Greg Jennings hit the open market and got offered a huge sum of money, more than the Packer's were willing to offer. Anyone who says they wouldn't take a 60% increase in pay annually to do the same job they do now elsewhere is a liar. If someone offered me quadruple the pay to write long winded blogs that make it seem like I have zero grasp on grammar with Seinfeld videos sprinkled in I would in a heartbeat. And so would anyone else. And for those upset about 'loyalty,' what about the 'loyalty' the Packers showed Charles Woodson? We cut him with 20 million left on his deal to save money. Nobody was crying about loyalty then.

    Now with all that said, Greg Jennings is lucky he already has a ring because he isn't going to sniff one in Minnesota. And his sister's Twitter is going to be HIGH comedy this season. If she thought Aaron Rodgers was a substandard quarterback with poor leadership wait until she gets a look at Christian Ponder! I think I saw a quote that he went from Prime Rib to Burger King and it was spot on. It would be like a director going from De Niro as his lead to Brendan Frasier. Like Kelly Kapaowski going from Zack Morris to Screech. And Minnesota didn't get better. They traded Harvin and got Jennings, they basically stayed pat. Plus the Packers are still rolling with Nelson, Jones, Cobb and Finley. We are more than okay on offense. I'd love to see the Packers sign a guy like Bernard Pollard to pair with Morgan Burnett but realistically we need to save money to have any hope of resigning the trio of Rodgers, Matthews and Raji. And I'd take any one of those guys over Jennings every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, Jennings gave us 7 great years. The last two were injury plagued no doubt, but his numbers are Packer HOF worthy. And his catch on 3rd and long late in the Super Bowl was equally as impressive as Rodgers' throw. Good luck in Minnesota Greg, you're going to need it.

    PS: People comparing this to Brett Favre is laughable. Brett purposely manipulated the rules in the NFL to get to the Vikings and stick it to Ted Thompson. If anything this is more like Darren Sharper or Ryan Longwell.

    Double PS: Two predictions: Jermichael Finley will have a career year this season and our biggest 'free agent' pick up will be a healthy Desmond Bishop.

  • Meet George Luetz, world record holder for continuous video game play on one token

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    NJ.com – Q*bert, the star of the cube-hopping ’80s arcade game of the same name, is making a comeback. Last year he scored a cameo in “Wreck-it Ralph,” and now he’s helped make history. George Leutz, 38, has set a Q*bert world record (the most respectable kind of world record) by playing the game for a staggering 84 hours and 48 minutes on a single game credit. He settled in at Richie Knucklez Arcade Games in Flemington, N.J., and played from Feb. 14 to Feb. 18, twiddling a joystick in nine-hour stints and taking 45 minute power naps in between. Guinness World Record rules say you earn five minutes of rest for every hour of effort, according to Leutz. But you can’t pause the game; you have to accumulate enough “lives” so your game doesn’t end while you’re napping. This was Leutz’s fifth attempt at the record.

     

    You know how they say 'never judge a book by it's cover'? Well kids, sometimes judge, and judge hard. I mean when I clicked the link to this article and saw this guy's picture this is EXACTLY what I thought George would look like. You see this dude in the streak and I immediately think he's the world record holder for longest continuous play of an arcade game on one token. That or serial killer but at that point we're just splitting hairs.

    My gripe here is the 84 hours. That's it bro? I have no official record but I'm pretty sure when Ocarina of Time* came out all I did was play that and nap for most of 1997 and part of 1998. Chasing the Biggorn sword like a boss/total dweeb. Again far be it for me to question the Guiness Book of World Records but I easily beat this 10+ years ago. I feel like Deacon Jones breaking setting the NFL sack record only they didn't keep track of sacks in the 70's. And now I'm WAY too old to compete with George here. Hell I bought a video game 6 months ago and had to read the damn instuction manual. You know how many of those I read from 1989-2008? 0. Top 5 most embarrassing moments of my life and that's saying something.

    *Anyone who says N64 wasn't the greatest video game system of all time is an idiot and not to be trusted.

    PS: What's more crazy, playing Q-bert for 84 straight hours at the age of 38 or being the people WATCHING him play.

    Double PS: Next move here is to pull a Costanza and make sure this high score stands up right? We need holes!

  • Gus Johnson with a game winning call for Illinois/Minnesota yesterday. Now it's March!

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    The Olympics don't start until the torch reaches the cauldron. Daytona doesn't start until 'drivers and Danica start your engines.' Mifflin doesn't start until police in riot gear show up. And March doesn't start until Gus Johnson calls a game winner. I mean how awesome is this! First game of the Big Ten tournament with Gus on the call and it goes down to the wire with a buzzer beater/Gusgasm. Seems like every Gus game ends like this. It's almost like the player's know that Gus is calling their game and they purposely set it up for a shot at the end. Like I honestly can't think of a single Gus Johnson game that's ended 80-53 or something like that. It would be a shame. And the fact that Gus Johnson won't get to call a single NCAA tournament game is a flat out travesty. Gus Johnson not calling the NCAA tournament would be like Wilfred Brimley not warning us about diabeetus. Gus Johnson is March. Wilfred is diabeetus. But instead of calls like this for the next three weeks we'll get Jim Nantz whispering through games basically counting down the days till Augusta. Take a lap CBS. 

    PS: Ending of the Richmond/Charlotte game yesterday was preposterous. It's too long to chronicle here but if you watched it you know what I'm talking about. 3 free throw fouls called on half court heaves and 26 straight free throws for Charlotte. Definition of rookie ball officiating. Oh and for the record; the over/under on total points was 130; final score after that was 68-63. David Stern running the A-10 as a part time job.

    Double PS: Signs it might be time to reassess: You believe there is a gambling conspiracy in a Charlotte/Richmond game.

  • Brewers ink Gomez to 3 year extension

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    So yesterday while all eyes were on Ted Thompson waiting to see if he'd release green and gold smoke from the Lambeau Atrium, Doug Melvin made a pretty significant move for the Crew by extending Carlos Gomez for 3 years after this season. Now in the interest of full disclosure, if you would have told me three years ago that I'd be excitedly blogging about a Carlo Gomez EXTENSION, I would have said you're crazy. Also I'd probably be shocked that I'l still being given a daily allotment of internet space to dumb the world down with. And I'd probably get 3 years ago Jon to start using Rogaine a little earlier. But either way that's how far Carlos has come in my book. If I'm being truthful with myself I'm pretty sure I wrote an entire blog 2 years ago saying we should cut ties with him. Pretty sure it went to the effect of 'I mean blah blah Like are you kidding me yada yada Saved By The Bell reference blah.' Paraphrasing of course. But he seems to be figuring it out Willie Mays Hayes style the last year and a half. Hard to believe he's only 27 too. Seems like he's been around forever. Now he is, and always has been, a plus defender (some would argue the best in the NL). But last year he hacked it at .260 with 19 bombs and 37 stolen bases. Add to that the fact that he only had 415 AB's. Give him 550 or 575 like a Ryan Braun and if he continues to improve he could be a .275 hitter with 25 bombs and 50-60 stolen bases. Maybe even pull down a gold glove in center or make an all star game. 

    Or he could revert back to 2009 Carlos and this contract could become Jeffery Hammond version 2.0. Either or.

    PS: I think he's batting something like .550 in spring training too. Just flat out raking. Now again, spring training numbers are always suspect. It's like those fake stock market games you play in middle school. When there's no real money on the line anyone can be Gordon Gecko. But when the the regular season starts can you carry it over. I dunno. I do know that if Gomez came out this year without an extension and had a blowout year we'd never see him again.

    Double PS: I'm 100% convinced those fake stock market games turned me into the degenerate that I am today. Except instead of ACTUAL fake money I'm gambline REAL fake credit card money that I pay back at a 17% interest hike. Stay in school kids.

  • The Conclave schedule is awesome.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    (What are you doing up? It's 5 o'clock in the morning! We let you sleep in.)

    Just in case you were curious as to what the schedule is at the Vatican during Conclave 2013 check it out:

    1:30 a.m. – Breakfast is served.

    2:45 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Domus Sanctae Marthae to the Pauline Chapel.

    3:15 a.m. – Mass is celebrated in the Pauline Chapel.

    4:30 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Pauline Chapel to the Sistine Chapel, pray Hora Media (Liturgy of the Hours) and proceed with two rounds of voting.

    5:30-6 a.m. – Smoke is sent up only if a pope is elected.

    7 a.m. – Smoke is sent up after the morning votes.

    7:30 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Sistine Chapel to the Domus Sanctae Marthae.

    8 a.m. – Lunch is served.

    11 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Domus Sanctae Marthae to the Sistine Chapel.

    11:50 a.m. – After brief prayer, the cardinals proceed with the two rounds of evening votes.

    2 p.m. – Smoke is sent up after the evening votes.

    2:15 p.m. – The cardinals pray Vespers in the Sistine Chapel.

    2:30 p.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Sistine Chapel to the Domus Sanctae Marthae.

    3 p.m. – Dinner is served.


    Where do I sign! I mean to say I'm down with this is a massive understatement. One of the primarily problems with getting a little older is that you can no longer stay up until 4am and sleep until 3pm the next day anymore. That and your metabolism crashes faster than Danica Patrick and your body sprouts hair like George the Animal Steele but those are different stories for a different day. But I would say the most depressing moment of my week is Saturday morning. Saturday morning's used to be about waking up at noon, eating leftover pizza, taking a few aspirin and going to bed until 5pm. Now Saturday morning is waking up at 6am, wrestling in your bed like it was a straight jacket until 6:14am and getting up to watching Friday's DVR of Hoda and Kathie Lee with a cup of coffee. Just brutal. But if I were a Cardinal I'd fit right in! Lunch at 8am! Dinner at 3pm! Maybe mix in a little Lawrence Welk and be in bed by 4;15pm. Conclave 2013 baby! Ain't goin' down while the sun's still up!

    PS: Can't wait for west coast Brewer trips this year, 2% chance I see first pitch.

  • Packer's attempting to sign Jennings, Steven Jackson.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    So as the nudie magazine day of the NFL started yesterday with free agency opening up the Packer's were kind of active! Lot of reports linking us to Steven Jackson, but the bizarre one to me was several outlets reporting that we were going after Greg Jennings. Soooooooo we decide not to resign him or franchise him, then 10 hours into free agency we are in hot pursuit of him? Huh? Kind of sounds like a relationship that goes sour but then the second you break up you immediately realize the prospect of breaking in a new boyfriend/girlfriend is too daunting and you decide you want them back immediately. Like who else is going to put up with your neck beard and the fact that you eat cereal 5 meals a day and you get milk in said neck beard that may or may not sit there for 12-24 hours. Plus you sit on the internet all day acting like a tough guy and she bailed you out when her parents asked what you did and she said 'writer' instead of 'blogger.' You know one of those purely hypothetical situations. That or Ted Thompson didn't see the above video when it went viral two years ago and didn't realize that Greg Jennings can put the team on his back. Again, two years in internet time may as well be 1994 but Teddy Ballgame doesn't strike me as the type of dude who sits on Reddit all day. Or maybe he just wants to stick it to Greg's sister which I'm also okay with.

    The other name, Steven Jackson, kind of strikes me as weird too. Now there's no arguing wiith his stats, 8 straight 1,000 yard seasons, averages 45 catches per year, all great stuff. But the guy turns 30 in July which means he's closer to Del Boca Vista than the Pro Bowl. Plus I just don't understand spending money on a running back in our system. Like I'd rather just pay Cedric Benson the veteran's minimum and see if this DaJuan Harris guy is Neo before paying an aging veteran 5-7 mil a year. 

    I guess overall I'm a little shocked our two main priorities apear to be on the offensive side. Like even if we don't get either of these guys I think our offense is going to be fine. We need defense. Adding a wide receiver and a running back to our current roster is like someone buying snow tires for their car in California. Doesn't make sense. We need hard hitting, physical, experienced defensive players that can tackle. Like Cliff Avril, Dashon Goldson or Connor Barwin. Like how peeved is Dom Capers that our defense got evicerated by the Niners and 20 hours into free agency we are targeting two offensive players. WTF City; Population: Dom Capers.

    PS: How about Erik Walden parlaying getting undressed by Kaepernick in the divisional round to a 16 million dollar deal with the Colts! Is his agent Teddy KGB?