I know Jess already posted this but it was too good to not throw up on the blog. I mean that woman had to be top 5 happiest people in the world at that moment right? I'm pretty sure she was happier there than my dog is when he realizes we're about to go to the dog park and he once pissed in my car on the way because he was so excited.
I'm sure my mom would react in the same way though. Sadly for her, while these parents of a married couple in their late 20's found out they get to be grandparents over the weekend, my mom got a call from me on Sunday where I bragged about winning 4 straight games of beer pong at my buddy's 30th birthday party. Peter Pan till the death of me.
PS: Yup I'm stealing Jess's screen shot picture too. Strange Brew fears no repercussion! But seriously if you don't laugh looking at this mom's start to scream there's something wrong with you.
I have a question; how are Hooter's ball girls not a thing at every Major League Baseball park? I guess this is just a spring training promotion for these two teams, but it seems like such a no brainer I can't believe it doesn't exist as a normal thing. What's more American than baseball and over-sauced wings served by half naked women? Nothing! May as well have started typing out he Declaration of Independence right there. Plus she looks....smart.
PS: Honest question; line drive down the 3rd base line to save your life, this Hooter's girl or Mat Gamel, who ya got?
Double PS: The fact that this color commentator goes by the name "Sarge" is one of the coolest things I've ever heard. I mean talk about commanding respect. If you don't think I'm going to start forcing my staff to call me Sarge you're crazy. So Mom if you're reading this I'm going to need my Strange Brew business cards changed STAT.
Welp folks add another leg lamp to Bo Ryan's shelf! Yesterday named the Big Ten Coach of the Year for the 3rd time in his 12 years at Wisco. And rightfully so. The Big Ten was the best conference in the nation. The Badgers were picked to finish 8th BEFORE Gasser went down and Bruesewitz hurt his leg. So what does Ryan do? Oh nothing. Just extracts every ounce of talent from a rag tag group and competes for the regular season crown up until the last week of the season. Ultimately goes 12-6 in conference and gets a bye in the first round of the Big Ten Tournament. NBD but KBD.
Got to love the Ryan haters out there too. Whaaaaaaa we never win a national title! Whaaaaaaa we only make it to the Sweet 16 every year! Grow up. You know how many schools would kill for that type of success? Like EVERY year it's a forgone conclusion that we'll make the tournament and at least win a game or two. After that it's a crapshoot for every team. Same type of people who complained that Bielema ONLY got us to the Rose Bowl three straight years. First world sports problems right there. These are the type of people who would be offered free beer and then complain about the brand. Insufferable on all levels. Don't worry Bo! I've got your back! Bo Ryan City. Population: Strange Brew (me and my dog).
Here's the thing about Alexei Volkov, I know I should probably hate him. I know that rear ending people with a bus probably isn't the way to do business. And I know that this has the potential to be dangerous and possibly hazardous to a lot of people's health. But you know what? I love him! Every single time a car cut him off and he hammered their rear end I laughed out loud. Sort of like how when Dark Knight came out you knew you weren't supposed to like The Joker but you secretly end up rooting for him? Bingo. Like how many times have you wanted to do this in your life? 1,000? 1,000,000? Honestly for me probably near 100 million. I've taken two long road trips in the last 5 years, one to New York and one to South Carolina, and I probably wanted to legit kill anywhere between 50-75 drivers. But in that split second where you think about doing it, your rationale takes over and you think about having to then pull over, call the cops, exchange insurance blah blah blah and it never seems worth it. Well for all those times that you wished you would have done something and didn't, just remember that our man Alexei is driving the streets of Russia and scoring points for everyone who has been cut off in their life. America/Russia!
PS: Is it mandatory to have a dashboard camera in Soviet Russia? I'm pretty sure all the footage of that asteroid a couple of weeks back was from Russian dashboard cams and I've seen thousands of Russian driving videos like this all over the internet. Friggin Putin. Hunting bear on horseback by day, powering Youtube with dashcam viral videos by night.
Double PS: If you have ever in your life seen that a lane is closing on the right or left and instead of getting in line like anyone else you sped ahead and cut someone off just as the lane closes, just know that you are only a notch below serial killer in my book.
Topanga coming in hot folks! Honestly the first time I've been excited about an issue of Maxim magazine since like 2001*. But when the hottest girl of TGIF hits the front page you better believe I'm getting myself a copy. Like how old is Topanga? Mid-30's? Still throwing 95 mph heat. Like I've been staring at this picture since 9:30am like it was one of those magic eye posters:
Unreal. Come on Topanga! Let me touch something!
*There was a time in my life when Maxim was VERY important. And I know I'm not alone there. It had articles about booze and half naked women and you didn't have to get a brown bag to buy it. Then you turn 18 or grow a beard and you no longer need Maxim. Kind of reminds me of the end of Toy Story 3 where Andy realized he didn't need Woody anymore and gave him to someone who would play with him**.
**Creepy metaphor or creepiest metaphor?
PS: I guess Kelly Kapowski just did a photo shoot for Me in My Place? Take a look:
Yes please! I mean how about the mid-90's cold war going on! Come on Winnie Cooper! Where you at!
Can you feel it folks? Weather is getting a little warmer. Grass is starting to show. Women on Facebook are having their spring break photo albums stalked. And the Cubs are embarrassing their fans and franchise. Baseball's almost here!
So I guess Dale Sveum has started a spring bunting tournament tradition since he started as the manager of the Cubs and this year out of 60+ major league players, their video assistant nearly took the crown. The video assistant! Only the Cubs could have an story be so Cubs. This would be like a restaurant having a cooking competition and a bus boy beats a chef. Or having a competition of who can waste their college degree more and a blogger not winning. Now I guess this guy, Nate Halm, played some college ball and a bit overseas, but still, when the video assistant nearly wins a skills competition against your entire major league roster that CANNOT be a good omen.
PS: Kind of feel for Dale Sveum here. The guy guided us to the 2008 Wild Card, was a great hitting coach and I think was generally liked by all Brewers fans. Finally gets his shot to be a full time Major League manager and it's with a real life version of the Bad News Bears. I picture him in his office every night with a glass of scotch reading don't kill myself books. Wouldn't shock me if he just shows up at Brewers camp in Maryvale with his Brewers jersey on and acts like nothing happened George Costanza style.
Double PS: Signs you know your franchise is a joke: Pirates fans are taking shots at you. Maybe the meanest thing said on the internet today.
Preach Kevin! Preach! Now first off let me say this; the fact that you can bet on literally anything is a terrifying thing for a degenerate. You can bet on the next president, the next Idol winner, Oscar winners, the new pope, etc. And it's all at the click of a few buttons. This would be like dropping a hoarder at a garbage dump. Diabolical doesn't even begin to describe it.
Anyway with Pope Benedict heading off to Del Boca Vista, the odds on the next pope are out. Now again, I know relatvely little about any of these bro's, but you better believe I'm putting $50 down on Bono. 1,000 to 1! And honestly I'm not sure I can think of a better person to hand the fancy hat and Gandolf stick off to. While the Catholic church has been sweeping pedophile cases under the rug Bono has been actually doing good in the world. Plus if he became the new pontiff I bet all the Cardinals would get to rock those rose colored shades and dress like they're in the Matrix. Win, win.
PS: I am actually legit studying this now. I guess this bro named Peter Turkson from Ghana is the odds on favorite at 5:2. Timothy Dolan sits at 16:1. I'm reading up on their bios like they were the back of baseball cards. 'Turkson averaged 27.1 Nicene Creeds per Sunday in 2011!' Finally that Catholic school eduation is paying divedends in something other than a constant sense of guilt and fear!
Double PS: Instead of the smoke and the election process I want them start all the potential popes to go Aggro Crag- Guts style. Whatever pope gets the crag gets the pope hat!
Well some sad news for those of us that watched WWF back in the day; Bill Moody AKA Paul Bearer passed away at the age of 58*. Now those that remember the ORIGINAL Undertaker and Paul Bearer from back in the early 90's know that those two were legitimately frightening. Like I can remember rotating my parents TV antenna back in the day (last week) and watching WWF Superstars on Saturday morning and being horrified when that bell 'DONG' hit. And when 'Taker first started out he was not only tombstone pile driving people, he then put them in actual body bags and walked off with them over his shoulder. Now keep in mind I was like 7 or 8 when he hit the scene and I still believed that everything that happened in the ring was real. Like I actually believed Undertaker was killing bro's left and right. Which was all well and good when it was random jobbers who started in the ring, but I'm pretty sure he beat Hogan early in his career by Tombstoning him into a steel chair. 8 year old Jon legit thought I watched Hulk Hogan get murdered at Survivor Series. Still a top 3 most traumatizing moment in my life. Now as I got older and grew a beard I realized that 'Taker wasn't really burying wrestlers in his backyard. As the saying goes, with beard, comes wisdom/food stuck to your face. Still though, early years Taker was nothing without Paul Bearer waddling his ass down to ringside with that urn. Sad day for wrestling fans/WWE/America.
*58? Honestly if you gave me one guess I wouldn't have said a day under 131.
PS: Remember rotating antennas back in the day? What a trip that was. Like to watch TV stations from Green Bay I actually had to go a module in the corner of the living room and switch the direction of the antenna on the top of the house from South to North like I was Magneto or something. And if someone else was watching something on Milwaukee TV in another room it went to static. I can remember my sister and I having full on battle royals when I wanted to turn wrestling on at 11am on Saturday's and she wanted to watch something else. I would have full on Jesse Spano style meltdowns. Just amazing what's happened to TV in 20 years.
Double PS: 20% chance this is all a rouse and Paul Bearer comes back with Kane in 4 weeks.
So in case you missed it yesterday Joe Flacco became the highest paid player in NFL history. Yup. Read that again. Green squiggly line under that like you read about and not even that uppity Paper Clip has a suggestion. 'It looks like you're trying to make a joke?' Nope Paper Clip. That's an actual fact. 29 MILLION dollar signing bonus. Like simply for putting 'Joe Flacco' on his contract he made almost 30 million. Crazytown; population: Ravens. I mean this guy has a hell of an arm no doubt, but doesn't he kind of strike you as a more talented Dilfer? Doesn't make a ton of mistakes, doesn't make a ton of plays, relies on his defense and gets the ball to Ray Rice. But in no way, shape or form does he strike me as the type of player to be making that type of bank.
So with that news, the question becomes how much are the Packers going to have to Rodgers to keep him in the green and gold for life. Like if Flacco is worth 120 million Rodgers has to be worth what, 150? 180? And I know there are a LOT of Packer fans out there saying 'he should take a discount so he can surround himself with talent and win more Super Bowls!' Same idiots who thought CC Sabathia would take a discount to stay in Milwaukee (please don't reference any Sabathia blog from Oct-Dec of 2008 where I may or may not have been that idiot). The bottom line is no athlete has taken a pay cut in the history of ever. Favre deferred money over a longer deal, as did Brady a week ago. They're still making their money, just later in the deal. Now Rodgers is signed for this year and next, but let's say for the sake of argument/giving me a reason to live, that they win another Super Bowl in the next two years. Is he going to be a 200 million dollar man? Either way if people are wondering why we're cutting bait on so many veterans, this is why. Matthews, Rodgers, Raji all need extensions. Read: If you missed the stock sale last time around you'll have another chance soon.
PS: Lots of people discussing the Jennings non-franchise tag yesterday. No problem with that move whatsoever. Jennings is a great player no question. But he's also injury prone and we just don't have that big of a need at wide receiver to pay a guy 12-14 million. James Jones, Jordy Nelson, and Randall Cobb with Boykin will more than cover us. We need help on the O-line, D-line and linebacking core and that's where we need to spend the Jennings money. Now again, talking about Ted Thompson spending money on free agents is like talking about college kids drinking responsibly, but at least the money is there.
Double PS: Only reason to franchise him would have been to piss in his sister's Cheerios and I'm pretty sure I would have bought another piece of parchment paper to make that happen.
Look I realize that this is a 5 minute youtube video which is essentially like asking you to watch the English Patient in internet time, but if you have 5 minutes to burn at work, I sincerely suggest you watch the whole thing. Just a tour de force of awkward questions, answers, rambling, scarfs and dollar bill suit jackets. Now to give you some context I here, I guess it was discovered that Kim Jong Un was a huge fan of the 90's Bulls*. So in order to strengthen diplomatic relations/dissuade North Korea from wanting to nuke us, we sent Dennis Rodman to smooth the seas! One of those 'makes so little sense it almost makes perfect sense but still seems pretty iffy' decisions. But from what I can gather from Rodman in this interview it sounds like he didn't damage our relations any further and we're basically one phone call from Obama to Jong Un from becoming best friends. Hey Kim Jong, on the count of 3, name your favorite dinosaur!
*Who didn't love the 90's Bulls. I hate everything Chicago related with the exception of the 90's Bulls. And John Belushi**. But that's it. So I guess Kim Jong and me aren't all that different. We both dig on 90's basketball. We both love the antics of The Worm. We're about the same age and have reached the top of our professions (him, dictator of North Korea, me dictator of Strange Brew until my Mom needs to use the computer). I mean minus the whole 'putting people in labor camps for not respecting him,' we're pretty much the same guy.
**How Jim and John Belushi are related is a mystery greater than the pyramids.
PS: Kudos to Stephanopoulos for keeping this interview somewhat together. I'm sure he was DREADING this from the day his producer booked it. Guy has talked to presidents, foreign diplomats, kings and queens and I'm sure he was more nervous for this than all of those combined. Rodman has the mind of a post-cocaine binge Rick James combined with the articulation of Shannon Sharpe. Yet somehow this seemed coherent.
AP: How much would someone have to pay you to decide what your newborn baby’s name should be? For one woman, it’s $5,000. That’s how much California mom-to-be Natasha Hill won in a contest where she agreed to give up the naming rights for her new baby in exchange for the cash. Contest organizers, Baby Ballot, will now present online voters with 10 names, five boy and five girl, to choose from. Some will be trendy names selected by the company and others will be selected by sponsors. Names with product names in them or ones that are “too crazy” won’t be allowed. Voting happens March 18-22 at babynames.net. The winning name will be the one the baby, due in September, will be stuck with – at least until he or she turns 18.
First of all I know a lot of people are hating on Natasha Hill, calling her a bad mom, wondering how she could leave such an important thing up to someone else blah blah blah. But as we chronicled in our blog about Jason Headsets.com, you're not going to catch me casting a stone at someone for making free money. My only gripe is the amount of money. I mean 5 grand? That's it Natasha? I'm thinking to name my kid I'd need 20K minimum. Sort of feel like Natasha kind of got stuck like Dr. Evil when he help the world ransom for 1 million dollars in 1999. Like, Natasha, I don't know what you've been up to lately but 5 G's isn't what it used to be. Yesterday I filled up a tank of gas and went to the grocery store and had to make it rain like Pacman Jones at a strip club. Except instead of pole dancing and lap dances I was going unleaded and Dunkaroos. So again, sell the naming rights to you kid by all means, but this is a one shot deal, at least make it worth your time.
Now I will say the one smart thing that 'babynames.net' did was limit it to 10 names and filtered out selections that were 'too crazy.' Like if babynames.net just presented this kid to the internet and allowed it to decide a name they may as well just put the down payment on therapy down now. It would be like that scene in Jurassic Park where the goat was left out for the T-Rex to eat. Goat=baby, T-Rex=internet tough guys. Ask Mountain Dew how their, 'Dub the Dew' promotion went when they just let the internet run wild without directions. #1 selection was Hitler did Nothing Wrong and #2 was Diabeetus. And honestly I think those are two of the nicest things written on the internet yesterday. So kudos to babynames.net for having the wherewithal to at least be a gatekeeper on this promotion and spare this kid's life even though he/she is probably screwed anyway.
PS: If Dub the Dew doesn't tell you where the internet is at as a virtual society then nothing will. Like to say anything goes would be an understatement. You almost wonder if you went back in time and took the original computer developers for IBM in the 1940's and 50's, gunned it to 88mph and showed them what we've become if they'd go back Terminator 2 style and destroy it all like Skynet.
Double PS: If you didn't cry at the end of Terminator 2 when he gave the thumbs up in the molten lava I don't want to know you as a person.
In a B93/USA Today exclusive we've uncovered the events of the night Guido went missing. To say I'm not shocked by these would be an understatement. All I can say is Guido is going to have some explaining to do to Mrs. Guido. And Guido's plight is a lesson to all of the social media generation. There are now two walks of shame. The walk of shame in the morning and the technological walk of shame the next day. Bet our man Guid's here was untagging himself all morning.
Also for those that read the story I guess the heist started with a group of people going to TJ Ryan's for 'a couple of PBR's.' If these pics aren't used in the next PBR marketing campaign it's a classic misstep. PBR: Where a couple of tallboys leads to abducting a 7 foot tall racing sausage happens.
PS: You know what else I learned from this whole thing? That the racing sausages actually had names.
Double PS: The fact that Chorizo's name isn't Carlos Spicey Weener is a severe disappointment.