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  • Protest fail.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Ahhhhhh the ol' protesting our wage decrease so we'll smash some keyboards trick. As old as time itself. Unfortunately they only made it through three tosses but I think their company got the picture here. Wouldn't be surprised if they get two year's paid vacation after this effort.

    Here's a protip: When filiming the tossing of objects make sure the camera guy is BEHIND the tossing area. This is like standing in front of the tee box while a bad golfer (read:me) is teeing off. Come on guys, act like professionals for once. It's a lesson for the kids really.

  • USA! USA!

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    To quote Don King, only in America! Seriously, this is what makes America great. Like if someone came up to me and wanted a definition of democracy this is the video I would show them. The only problem I have with Basil Marceaux is that he is setting his sights too low. Governor of Tennessee? Pfft. This guy has President written all over him. I mean he's got a badge for cryin out loud! Sure it might be from a box of Smacks, but whateves man, minor details.

    Bottom line is do I want to be more free-er? Hell yes I do. Are backroom politics ruining our politics program? Absolutely. Do I want traffic stops stopped? What do you think, show me someone who likes traffic stops and I show you a liar. Not to mention I friggin HATE when the flag doesn't fly right. Flying flags wrong is for the birds. And let's not forget his master plan to plant vegetation on vacant lots and sell it for money or gas. Brilliant.

    And if that didn't win you over the blinking Vote 4 Basil at the end had to capture your vote. I mean what did he use for that? Flash? Mesmerizing. So forget about 2010, Basil 4 President 2012!

    PS: I actually agree with his campaign contribuitions statement at the 1:04 mark.

    Double PS: The vegitation plan is half bad either.

  • This should end well...

    Posted by Jon Henseler

     

    Well here's a wrinkle to the Brett Favre saga that no one saw coming. According to Deadspin this young lass up here, Jenn Sterger, who worked for the Jets during their one year stand with Brett Favre is claiming that Brett not only hit on her but 'sexted' her pictures of (ahem)...the lil' gunslinger. Now Deadspin doesn't have any sources, text messages, or anything credible really to validate this story but as far as I know Deadspin is on the internet and I learned a long time ago that if it's on the internets it's 200% true. Just has to be. If I can't trust the internet then my whole life is (more of) a sham.

    All I can say about this is that I'm shocked by NOTHING when it comes to athlete infidelity at this point. Honestly if you marry a star athlete whether it be in golf, football, basketball, or fantasy baseball (alright I just threw that in), I think you can pretty much bank on this type of stuff happening. You just know somewhere that Joe Namath is laughing his ass off at this story. Just thanking his lucky stars that cell phone cameras, facebook, twitterers, or TMZ didn't exist back in the day. Like if Broadway Joe wanted send some chick pictures of himself he had to have someone set up one of these:

    Wait four days for it to develop, then buy stamps and manilla envelopes, get a mailing address and send it off on the Pony Express. Just too much work. But rest assured if Namath had iPhone's and Blackberry's back in the day you probably wouldn't be able to go a day without a story about him harassing some chick.

    PS: I said in my facebook status but it's worth repeating. Who is more excited for these eventual pictures to come out, Madden or Gruden? Jaws might be a dark horse too. Rest assured these guys are going to get an email with one of those red exclamation points next to it when those pics hit.

    Double PS: Yeah I used Clip Art. You wanna fight about it?

  • And the winner for best picture is....

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Welp, safe to say they may as well cancel the Academy Awards this year. Game, set, match Oregon Trail! Honestly how has it taken this long for this to be turned in to a movie? It's got everything! A cocktail of adventure, hunting, love, disease, survival and river fording. Bingo bango there's your Oscar.

    Also, how great was this game during computer class back in the day? Just pop in the 10 inch floppy disk and play Oregeon Trail or Space Invaders. Boom. Learning computers. In fact the only job that requires less skill than mine would have been teaching computers to 12 year olds in 1995. One day of typing, four days of games. And I know I've said this before on this blog but I'm pretty sure my record on Oregon Trail is 123213-0. Like I don't think I've ever lost that game. Set pace to grueling? Check. Make the girl you like your wife? Check. Massacre an entire population of buffalo and leave the meat behind? Check. That will get you an A in computer class every day of the week. Not to mention dominating The Trail (as I called it) was a girl MAGNET. Like by the time I was done fording the river the girls in my class were basically doodling '___+Jon Forever' in hearts on their notebooks. Too bad my cool prime lasted all of one year until Block Breaker and Sim City became all the rage. I just couldn't keep up with the times.

  • Note to Self: Dancing in streets=bad idea.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

     

    So this video basically broke the internet yesterday. Like it went from 8 views to over 100 thousand in about 17 seconds. Which proves once again why the internet is a wonderful/bizarre place. Here people are just sitting at their desks on a random Tuesday trying to figure out a way to waste time at work and BLAMO, here's a random dude dancing and getting hit by an ice cream truck. It's the little things that make a day better and the internets understand that. I'm not sure if I feel bad for laughing at this or not mainly because I can't tell if it's real or staged. Like how do you get hit by an ice cream truck? Every ice cream truck I've ever seen in my life goes 4 mph and blares carnival music you can hear from miles away. But this truck looked like an extra from Speed and as far as I can tell didn't have any music playing! Not going to sell too many firecrackers doing that. Come on ice cream guy, act like a professional for once.

    So the only conclusion I can draw here is that these guys set this up? But he does get NAILED so who knows. In a related story I've apparently been examining this thing like the Zapruder film for 28 hours. I=too much time on my hands.

    I guess at the end of the day if he legit got hit by this thing he's got at LEAST a year's worth of free Good Humor bars coming his way. If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times; if you're going to go dancing in the middle of the street and get hit by a vehicle, make sure it's an ice cream truck so you can at least get some free treats out of the deal. Getting hit by trucks while dancing in the streets 101 right there.

    PS: I wasn't sure if I should blog this yesterday or if people would get offended blah blah blah. But then another guy in the building blogged it this morning so I figure he set precedent and if we get in trouble I can throw him under the proverbial ice cream truck. This is par for the course with me in terms of controversial things. Make sure someone else goes first. Just like the 10 minute rule in elementary school. Teacher doesn't show up within 10 minutes of the bell. You think I'm going to be the first one to leave? Pfft. Let someone else set that trend.  Safe to say I would have been the LAST guy to sign the Declaration of Independence and even then I would have probably signed it completely illegibly.

  • A nice one night stand.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    BWHAHAHAHA! If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: Watching Cubs fans cry powers the state of Wisconsin. It's better than any vitamin money can buy. So I don't care if we're 10 games under .500, 20 games under, or in the hunt for a pennant; beating the Cubs 18-1 in Wrigley will NEVER get old. I watched every minute of that onslaught last night and it just kept getting better and better. 26 hits?! I mean Trevor Hoffman got an at bat last night folks. Trevor Hoffman hasn't gotten an at bat since the dead ball era. I'm pretty sure Italian sausage had two hits last night. Meanwhile trying to figure this team out is flat out impossible. How they can scrape together only two runs in THREE GAMES against the Astros and then score 18 in one game is beyond me. I've got a better shot of doing the morning show in Latin tomorrow morning than understanding this year's team. All I know is that typing 'sad cubs fans' into google's image search makes me feel better no matter how bad my day is.

  • Brett Favre hands division title to Packers

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    The latest:

    Brett Favre began to inform Vikings officials Monday night he will not return for his 20th season, according to the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and Jay Glazer of FOX.

    Now I was going to call shenanigans on this when it was JUST the Star Tribune and NBC Sports, but if Jay Glazer is reporting this then it has to be legit. Everyone knows Jay Glazer sercretly runs the NFL. Everyone. Like all that guy does is promote MMA and write story lines for the NFL. Dude must have John Clayton lying awake at night trying to figure out how he is getting beat to every story. It wouldn't shock me if David Stern has Glazer doing some freelance work for the NBA. Like that LeBron fiasco has Jay Glazer written all over it. Even got Jim Grey to do the interview to avoid suspicion. Genius. So if Jay Glazer is saying this is legit than you can believe it. Not to mention I would never put something on this blog that I didn't believe to be accurate. Like when I posted that food porn blog I made sure that EVERY item of food on that website was hardcore enough to be there. My journalistic integrity is at stake/I want to avoid getting a phone call from my mom when I'm wrong about something.

    In all seriousness if this is true do the Packers even have to play the regular season? Like can they just wait for the playoffs and start their season then? Because make no mistake about it, the Vikings were our only competition in that division and one of maybe three teams that will be there with the Pack contending for the Super Bowl at the end of the year. So if Tavaris Jackson is their starting quarterback and Adrian Peterson is still dropping footballs like I drop wrestling references then this divsion is going to be a cakewalk.

    PS: Is it possible that Brett Favre has been a secret double agent for us? Making the Vikings contenders only to giftwrap an interception in the NFC Championship game, breaking the hearts of Vikings fans, and retiring the next year making the Packers the favorites in the division? All the while uncovering the secret behind Da Vinci's paintings and solving the oil spill? New Dan Brown novel coming in 5....4....3....

    Double PS: This never gets old:

     

     

     

     

  • Day at the Zoo=Ruined

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    I feel ya little dude. I feel ya. Like this kid woke up and all he wanted to do was see the frickin lions and bear and otters man. Is that so much to ask? Then mom and these little chicks have to get involved and my man Geoffrey here is stuck all day by the giraffes and gorillas. You know how many times this kid has seen the giraffes and gorillas? Probably millions. Conservatively. He had one goal and it got stomped on. And the worst part is he tried to make the best of it! He tried! Well let me tell you the difference between Geoffrey and me. About 22 years. Because I hate to break it to this kid but this stuff is just not going to change. The only thing that changes is Geoffrey still wakes up trying to make the best of it. Like I dated a chick in college and we watched Sex and/in the City and Friends DVDs EVERY NIGHT for like two years. I woke up everyday thinking, "maybe today will be the day she watches the Brewers game with me!" Pfft. 10 hours later I was two hours deep in Carrie Bradshaw's on again off again relationship with Big. So whether it's gorillas and giraffes or Sex in the City and Friends, women are going to run your life. That's not me talking. That's science.

    PS: In case anyone was offended by this blog I'm totally kidding.

    Double PS: Not really.

  • Corey Hart and his sunglasses to stay in Brew Town

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Now that he has his contract we need to get this guy in contact with google. Dude's got the wackiest collection of photos I've ever seen. I think I talked about this when I posted this guy's photo on a previous Corey Hart blog:

    Which is at least understandable. But Dusty Rhodes? Like is Dusty Rhodes paying google to throw in a picture of him no matter what you search on google? Or maybe Dusty is running google? But it's not just that; there's this:

    And this:

    Anyhow I spent more time getting to the bottom of this image debacle than actually thinking about this blog. I guess I'm happy? Guy is raking this year, there's no doubt about that. He's a two time all star, and he clearly wants to stay here. In fact I can't remember a guy more adamant about wanting to STAY in Milwaukee. Like I'm pretty sure Gary Sheffield would have had Milwaukee eliminated from the Union if he could. But during all the trade rumors he consistently said that he wanted the option to stay here long term and from Corey's lips to Doug Melvin's ears he is signed through 2013. At this point it might be Melvin's goal to sign anyone or anything every week until the season is over to take attention away from the fact that this team is in a tailspin. Next week Rickie Weeks. Then the Italian racing sausage. So on and so forth.

    Also if I'm reading between the lines here Doug Melvin is basically saying with this move that the Prince Fielder era is DUNZO this winter. Even if they wanted to resign Prince at this point they've now committed about 8 million a year to Corey, in addition to Braunie's contract, the extension Yo signed earlier this year, and Randy Suppan, I mean Wolf's, two more years. If they thought they had a legit shot at Prince this deal would never have happened. Like it or not the cornerstones of this franchise for the next 3-5 years are Braun, Hart, and Gallardo.

    PS: That Rickie Weeks extension seriously does need to happen. Everyone always wondered what kind of numbers he could put up if he were healthy. Well how about 65 home runs and 240 RBI's in your grillmix? Seriously though that should happen by the end of the year. The Italian's agent is too much of a wiener anyway. HEYO!

    Double PS: This entire blog was a vehicle for that last line.

     

  • Packers Training camp=I Excite!!!!

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    To say this is how I feel about Packers training camp getting underway this weekend would be an understatement. Like I've had this video picked out for weeks just waiting for this day to arrive. Hell I've had hourly countdowns during the day to when I could rip a day off the daily countdown to Packers training camp. Maybe it has something to do with the way the Brewers have played so far this summer but it just seems like the sports world has been DRAGGING through these months. Like for as much as I made fun of it that whole LeBron trainwreck, it was the most entertaining thing to happen in the last three weeks. But not anymore. This weekend begins the daily updates on the Packer's blogs, the obsessing over who our third string cornerbacks are going to be and which punter's name I'm going to be saying swears in front of during the regular season! Contented sigh. And the excitement for this season isn't without cause either. Like this team has a legit shot to win the Super Bowl this season. And by 'legit shot to win the Super Bowl this year,' I mean; 'I've already taken a vacation day on February 7th for a parade down Oneida Street.' Rodgers is another year wiser, the receiving core is stacked, Jermichael Finley is a certified beast, Mason Crosby is......, Charles Woodson is a blanket defensively, we've got it all! In all honesty I think that should be Finely's new postion. Not tight end. Not wide receiver. Now starting at certified beast: Jermichael Finley. So let the new countdown start tomorrow, 14 days till preseason game #1!

  • Prank Hall of Fame

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Well if you ask me this guy needs to just retire right now while he's on top of the prank world. Like it doesn't get much better than that. So learn a lesson from Ashton Kutcher and get out on top instead of lingering. Honestly how great was that first episode of Punk'd where Kutcher had Justin Timberlake crying and calling his mom as ALL of his stuff was getting repossessed. Friggin brilliant! Should have just called the show a wrap after that. Instead it dragged on for 17 seasons where we watched everyone's car get messed with. Cars stolen, cars vandalized, cars wrecked blah blah blah. Well this kid can't let that happen. There's just nothing better than the ol' act like you fainted in mid flight. Honestly what did the guy in the back seat do to deserve this? It had to be something bad. Because you don't just pull this prank for fun. You pull it for revenge. Dude must have hooked up with this guy's girlfriend? Only explanation I can come up with. Probably happened in high school and the pilot here made this guy believe it was squashed all the while going to pilot school and learning to fly a plane just for this 10 seconds. Well played pilot guy, well played.

    PS: I think the guy in the backseat showed AMAZING restraint here. Like if that's me I'm doling out Stone Cold Stunners and Rock Bottoms to wake this guy up. Not gently taping his shoulder.

    Double PS: And by 'doling out Stunners and Rock Bottoms' I mean 'crying and blacking out while simultaneously peeing my pants.' 6 of one half dozen of the other.

  • 48 hours later.....

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    "Because right now this squad actually looks like it might have figured something out. 5 in a row. 7 straight at home. 11 of their last 15."

    "I guess my question at this point is what happens if this team reels off 3 or 4 more games in a row before the Saturday trade deadline? Like do we become buyers then? For the last month all the trade rumors have been about the Crew getting rid of Prince, or Corey or Dave Bush, but if you can get to within 6 or 7 games by the weekend does that change"

    Direct quotes from some jerk off blogger after the Brewers gave false hope to their fan base by putting together a modest 5 game winning streak. Too cute.

    So what does that make me on predictions so far on this blog?

    1. Brewers win World Series

    2. Packers win Super Bowl

    3. Bucks win title

    4. LeBron stays in Cleveland

    5. Bob Uecker is awesome.

    I guess 1 out of 5 isn't bad.

    Well now that I've returned from my trip to fantasy land I guess the only interesting thing about the next 3 days will be to see whether or not Melvin pulls the trigger on a Prince or Corey deal. Sounds like the Rangers and Angels have interest in Prince but I'm not sure any more details have come out since 42 seconds ago when I clicked 'refresh' on mlbtraderumors.com. I'm honestly driving revenue at that site right now with the amount of page visits they're getting from from my IP address. You're welcome mlbtraderumors, you're welcome. They should seriously consider releasing all Brewers rumors word by word on their site to guarantee 21234323 page hits by the end of the day.

    So I think at this point I can finally admit that the season is a wash/they could still rip off a 15 game winning streak and get back in it. And while you may think I'm insane to type the second part of that sentence, you should understand that being able to even type the first part is progress for me. I'm an eternal sports optimist. Like if I were a Cubs fan I'd truly believe every year they could be 'the' year. Now excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard after typing "if I were a Cubs fan..."

    PS: If the Rocky workout montage video can't save the season than nothing can. I thought it was a good parallel on Tueday, but after the last two games it would be as if Rocky trained his ass off only to get KO-ed by Drago in the 1st round, who would then proceed to steal Adrian from him after the fight while drinking vodka shots with Paulie at a bar across the arena. Acutally if Rocky IV would have ended that way then Rocky V would never have existed. Advantage: alternative ending.