NO I CAN'T STOP YELLIN, THIS IS HOW I TALK, HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES!?
Welp, looks like all the anticipation building up toward football and training camps was all for naught. Because after watching this it's pretty obvious to me that the Falcons have the Lombardi trophy on lock. Seriously, Samuel L Jackson is in their corner? Biggest free agent signing of the year. Forget TO. Forget LT. Forget Favre coming back. Everyone knows if you've got Samuel Jackson on your side it's game over man for the rest of the league. Well played Atlanta. And here I thought the Pack could be in line for a big year. Pfft. Not with Coach Jackson patroling the Falcons sidelines. So for those keeping track the Heat have already won the upcoming NBA title, the Falcons will be having a parade in February, sooooo we're getting ready for Brewers opening day in 2011?
Look if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: guys wearing Harry Potter shirts can't be trusted. Everyone knows that. Everyone. And now the guy with a Bic hanging out of his eye knows it as well. Like you can push around the Magic players or the Star Wars fans all you want. All they can hit you with are mystical fireballs and plastic lightsabers. But Harry Potter fans play for keeps. This dude should consider himself lucky he didn't get a stupify spell thrown in his grillmix. He should be HAPPY this was only a pen stabbing. Got off light if you ask me.
The part of this story that shocks me more than anything is the fact that there are women being interviewed about this story. At Comic Con. I had to cross reference this video about 15 times to make sure that it wasn't from The Onion's website. So being a nerd is cool now? When did that happen? I mean back in the day I was playing Magic. I've seen every Star Wars movie about a hundred times. I've read the Harry Potter series four times over. Plus 5. Lord of Rings? Book it. Starcraft, Warcraft, the list goes on. And you know where it got me? In sweaty basements with a bunch of dudes at LAN parties while debating the merits of the Zerg race over Protoss. And now it's cool? This must be what it felt like to be Da Vinci. Dude was drawing pictures of planes and tanks in the 1500's and people thought he was crazy*. Now he's considered a genius. So yeah me and Da Vinci pretty much on the same level here.
*200% chance I stole that line from some Da Vinci biography on the History Channel. At this point I think I've learned more about history from that channel than in all my years in school combined. Like did you know Da Vinci basically wrote the Bible with Dan Brown? Fact.
In a related story here is the acutal video for California Gurls. Apparently this has been out for some time but I first saw it yesterday. Eddie looked at me with genuine sympathy that I hadn't checked this thing out yet. I told him I had MTV on 24/7 just waiting for them to play the video but they never got around to it. If only there were some kind of technology where you could watch videos on demand. Hmmm...welp, maybe one day!
In all honesty how easy of a job is music video director. Like my job is a joke but I look like a nuclear physicist compared to these guys. "Ummmmmm alright Katy I'm going to have to ask you to get naked and stare at the camera for this video. It's ahhhhhhh, it's for the artistic integrity.....yeah."
If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: Wal Mart is more entertaining than TV, the internets, pay per view, movies, books and magazines combined. Like I'm shocked at this point that Wal-Mart doesn't have the 154 year old dude greeting you at the door charge a cover for everyone trying to get in. It's that must see. Actually how is there not a Wal-Mart TV station by now? Just cameras in Wal-Marts across the country flipping from store to store and catching this type of activity. It's gotten to the point where going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday is the highlight of my weekend. First of all just surviving a Wal Mart on the weekend is like an extreme sport. Go to a Wal Mart on a Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours and you'll have fulfilled your cardio workout for the week. Better than any gym membership you can buy. In fact it reminds me of the gauntlet challenge on the original American Gladiators. Carts crashing into each other, elbows flying, kids screaming, people wearing unitards, it's got it all! And this guy moonwalking into the paper towel aisle just encapsulates the experience. You never know when you're going to be entertained at a Wal Mart, you just know it's coming. All of sudden you're on your way to aisle 53 to get a $14 air conditioner and BOOM here comes moonwalk guy just moonwalking the hell out of his shopping experience. Classic.
PS: That has to be the best moonwalk of all time right? Like this has to have replaced walking for him at this point? Instead of walking on a sidewalk; moonwalking backwards everywhere. Moonwalking on a treadmill, moonwalking to his seat at the movies, moonwalk bowling, moonwalk drive thru, moonwalk....ahhhh...moon....walking. Moonwalk.
So this guy pretty much sums up what it's been like to be a Brewer fan for the majority of the season. Hell even I turned off that 174-3 debacle of a loss in Pittsburgh last week. And I watched 99 percent of the games this franchise played from 1993-2005. So to say I have to be disgusted to look for something else on is an understatment. I once uttered the words "Welp, Turner Ward is up next inning, maybe he'll get things turned around." Yeah. Last week I was even spending more time on this page than brewers.com:
That's right. Looking at Bucks season ticket packages in July before the trading deadline. Welcome to the Twlight Zone.
But this team is starting to look like a bizarro world Brewers team. One that sucks in the first half and actually gets better as the season goes on. Normally we're 54-2 through April and May and then don't win again till the next April and May. But maybe this season is a reverse? Because right now this squad actually looks like it might have figured something out. 5 in a row. 7 straight at home. 11 of their last 15. And 4-0 since Uecker came back to the booth. Some would call that a bizarre coincidence. I'm superstitious. There are no coincidences. In 2008 I grew out a beard at the beginning of the season and they went to the playoffs. I haven't been beardless since. Last summer when the Brewers were down 10-0 in Cleveland I went outside to grill out some brats. They came back to win 12-10 after a Prince grand slam. Guess what? Brats everyday for the next 3 10 weeks. So when you tell me this team is undefeated in Uecker's return it's not happenstance, it's science.
I guess my question at this point is what happens if this team reels off 3 or 4 more games in a row before the Saturday trade deadline? Like do we become buyers then? For the last month all the trade rumors have been about the Crew getting rid of Prince, or Corey or Dave Bush, but if you can get to within 6 or 7 games by the weekend does that change? Here's hoping Doug Melvin reads this blog, it is the number one source for Brewers information/psychotic ramblings on ALL of b93radio.com. So Doug if you're out there, time to hit up the comment section and let my mom know what's going on. Because at the moment this team is starting to look like it's in hour 1, minute 35 of a two hour Rocky film. That's right baby! Come back work out montage!
If there was ever any doubt the the economy was in the dumps than this should just about put those to rest. I mean seriously Darth? I guess the old saying is true, one day you're building a death star while battling the jedi for interstellar domination the next you're robbing a bank in Long Island to pay the water bill. Classic rise and fall story. Like the Mayans only different.
PS: Worst getaway costume of all time. Like what are the chances the cops don't find the only guy wandering around Long Island in a Darth Vader outfit. Come on Darth you're better than that! Act like you've robbed a bank before!
As bad as the Brewers have played at times this year at least we're not the Orioles. Like this might be the defining moment of their season. I mean this youtube video has about 2.5 million hits and that has to be at least 50 times the amount of people that have tuned in for an Orioles game this season. Seriously in the year end DVD of the 2010 Orioles where some dude with a deep voice makes it seem like a team that won 42 games is on the upswing this moment is going to get top billing. In fact I honestly believe this kid was paid by Orioles management to spice things up a bit. All he had to do was book it up the stairs and leave the stadium and he would have commited the perfect run on the field crime, but he runs back ON to the field, throws 4 pitches and then waits for security to politely arrest him. He's like Mario when he gets a star, just running everywhere he wanted to until his time ran out. All I know is that he better not try these types of antics in Philly. How long did that kid last earlier this year? Like 14 seconds? Then BOOM tased. This guy ran about 1.7 miles and the only reason he isn't still running is because he got tired/bored. Somewhere tased guy weeps.
PS: I make fun of them but this is 200% my strategy in this situation, just wait him out. See that cop at the 48 second mark? He'll never live down that effort. Never. Kid sprinted away from him like women sprint away from me at the bar. Also I think my favorite guys are the ones in the orange shirts at the bullpen door at the 52 second mark. Just debating the merits of running ALL the way to the infield. Classic.
California - A Placer County man has been arrested after he broke into a shuttered bar, reopened the business and started selling drinks to unwitting customers, according to the Placer County Sheriff’s department. The Placer County Sheriff’s department arrested 29-year-old Travis Kevie of Newcastle after his 4-day stint as the barkeep of the historic Valencia Club in Penryn which had been shutdown for more than a year. Detective Jim Hudson became suspicious after reading about the Valencia Club’s re-opening in a newspaper article that featured a picture of Kevie and identified him as the club’s new “owner/operator”. Not only had Detective Hudson had previous run-ins with Kevie, he knew the Valencia Club’s liquor license had been surrendered. Deputies describe Kevie as a transient. They say he broke into the Valencia Club and put an open sign in the window on July 16th. Kevie kicked off his business with a six-pack of beer he bought and resold at the club. He used his profits to buy more alcohol keeping the club open throughout the weekend serving about 30 customers a day, deputies say.
If this isn't the American Dream then I don't know what is. Seriously I'm like 90 percent sure this was written in the contituition. "Heretofore if a transient shall come upon a vacated bar he shall retain the right to own and operate it." It's in like Article B subsection II or something. My question here is how failtastic do you feel if you were the PREVIOUS owner of the Valenica Club? Like you couldn't turn a profit and then some homeless dude comes by and in 4 days is making enough money to get a re-opening ad in the paper? I guess the ad was really his downfall though. But how are people going to know that you're re-selling beer for 4 times it's original cost if you don't get the word out? Classic catch-22.
I honestly can't believe this guy is getting locked up either. Like how many times do you see broken down buildings or vacated property in towns and think "the city should really do something about that." Well here is Travis Kevie just taking matters into his own hands and getting punished for it? It's UnAmerican! So the long and short of it is that Travis Kevie is the next Warren Buffet and Detective Hudson is a communist. Case closed.
I should have seen this coming. If the Jetsons taught us anything it's that robots will one day do all of our jobs. First Rosie. Now robot dj mouth.
With that said one of the rules that I live by (other than everything is better with bacon and beer) is that you've got to know when to get out on top. Showmanship if you will. When you know you're beat you know you're beat. It's pointless to linger when defeat is inevitable. And that's exactly how I feel as I watch this robot mouth DJ. Like seriously how am I supposed to compete with that? Dude is KILLING it with perfect enunciation. Not only that but his witty stream of conscious dialog is almost too much to compete with. Not to mention the station would only have to pay him in WD-40. I guess I could take a pay cut from my Brewers tickets and Slim Jim bi-weekly payments but how much am I willing to sacrifice you know? Game, set, match robot dj mouth. I guess this was unavoidable at some point. What's the old saying? First the robots came for the car building jobs and I said nothing for I was not a car builder. Then the robots came for the telemarketing jobs and I said nothing, for I was not a telemarketer. Then they came for the witless radio jobs, and there was no one left to speak up for me. I'm pretty sure I read that in a book/just googled it and read it on Wikipedia.
PS: This is almost exactly what I sound like during my first break at 6am. Also this is exactly what I sound like when I talk to girls as well. Man, first he takes my job then my moves? Where does it end robot mouth.
Double PS: I 200% stole that opening line from Seinfeld. So whatdya wanna fight about it?
Reason #2334234 why going to the gym sucks: people like this. Really lady? It's not bad enough that I feel like I'm going to have congestive heart failure after 4 minutes on the treadmill but now I've got to compete with this chick going Dance Dance Revolution next to me? And kudos to the dude and woman that are flanking this chick and are keeping their eyes forward. I don't think I could maintain that type of composure. Which is exactly why when I go on a treadmill I look for one with NO ONE around it. Because if someone goes next to me and ramps it up higher than me I have to increase my speed too. Like one time I had just broken into a jog with the treadmill set at 8.5 (read: 5.0) and this kid on the South High cross country team jumps on next to me and bumps it up to 12.5 without even blinking. Kid was running like T1000 from Terminator 2. I had a better chance of riding home from the gym on a unicorn than keeping pace with that guy. He may still be running right now 4 months later. So to say I'd be thrown of by this lady would be an understatement.
So I think this gym needs to add an addendum to the basic gym rules of "No swearing" and "Wipe down all equipment after use" that includes "No break dancing on the cardio equipment." And while we're at it can we outlaw vending machines at the gym too? Like what is that all about. Talk about entrapment. Nothing like busting your ass at the gym and then on the way out having Snickers and Twix bars staring you in the face. And I'm 200% the guy that proceeds to eat 5,000 calories after doing 7 minutes of cardio. (with chocolate stuck to my cheek) Lay off me I worked out today!
PS: What is creepier here, this woman dancing or some dude behind her videotaping people at the gym?
Double PS: Was that Barbie Girl she was dancing too?! Never mind then. Everyone knows you can't be held accountable for what happens when that song comes on. Everyone. So consider my words redacted!
As a general rule of thumb I never watch a youtube video that is longer than 2 minutes. I mean if I'm just sitting in studio watching 15 minute videos who is going to change my fantasy baseball rosters and click refresh on the Brewers blog you know? But for this video I made an exception and it was 300% worth it. Honestly it's a miracle that Ueck never just did a late night talk show. Especially while watching some of those Brewers teams in the mid-90's and early 2000's, it had to cross his mind more than once. Hell watching Davey Lopes manage games 162 times a year will make anyone reconsider their life choices, and that is speaking from experience. At least 1000 hours of my life I can never have back during those seasons.
But this is not about how bad of a manager Davey Lopes was, we only have so many characters allowed in this space anyway. The point here is that Bob Uecker is back on Friday baby! After what seemed like 5 years without him he will finally be back in the booth at Miller Park this weekend doing what he does best, telling dominant stories and never saying the score. The news came down early this morning, although I have to say one of my buddies here at the station was playing devil's advocate and asking the 'what if he's just retiring,' question. To which I responded with nervouse laughter, an uncomfortable "yeahhhh right," and a Carl Lewis style sprint to the office computer to make sure that wasn't the case. Seriously bro, there are some things you just don't joke about.
In any case this has to be the best news the Crew has gotten since opening pitch of opening day. Because it has been a slipper slope of awful since then. Ueck's doctors have to be concerned about him watching this team play right? Because I can think of no greater danger to a healthy heart than watching us lose to the Pirates. THE PIRATES. I've been defending this team and delusionally saying they are going to get it turned around, but even I can't spin a loss to the Pirates. With that said though Ueck's return can only help right? Cause I think this team is something like 2-343 since he left. So I'm not going to guarantee a turnaround but this team will certainly turn it around. Guaranteed. Bonus word: Uecker.
PS: What are the chances someone out there is upset about Davey Nelson being taken out of the booth. Like -25%? He has to be one of the nicest guys in the world and is decent enough on Brewers Live, but it just never translated to radio. And if I want to listen to someone who is uncomfortable on the air I'll listen to my own show. Seriously Davey get your own niche!
You see that? THAT'S the present I'm giving to you this morning. Because as I was obsessively reading and analyzing every word of scanning Packer blogs today I came across an article that said the line for season win total for Green Bay is currently set at 9.5 wins. 9 point friekin 5 folks. That means all they need is ten, TEN (ah, ah, ah) wins and we can all retire in Hawaii at the end of the year. This is the easiest money you're going to make since George Bush gave us that "I'm sorry about the past 8 years" check a couple of years ago. This team is going to have ten wins by October let alone waiting until the last couple weeks of the year. I mean they won 11 last year and they are only going to get better this season. Hell we had 10 win seasons under Mike Sherman. We won 8 with Ray Rhodes! Which when translated on to the "Ray Rhodes Conversion Chart" is like 22 wins. So yeah, to say this is a mortal lock is an understatement. There are some guarantees in life;
3. The Cubs not winning the World Series
4. Journey being awesome
5. The Packers winning at least 10 games in 2010
And that's not me talking, that's on Wikipedia. On a page I created. But still, if it's there it's true and that is a scientific fact. So it's time to go all in on this team, you know how much purple drank Johnny Jolly can buy after he puts all his savings on this?! Bonus word: drank.
PS: Over/Under on the Lions is set at 5. So in case you wanted to double the money you make on the over for the Pack just slide it on the under for Detroit. Even if they count intrasquad scrimmages and preseason games they get to four max.