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  • Jolly Bad

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    (Johnny Jolly's actual police mugshot)

    Get the title? Cause the soda is Jolly Good? And Johnny Jolly's last name is Jolly. Except getting suspended for the whole year is bad? Ergo Jolly Bad? I know, I know. That headline never knew what hit it!

    ..........

    Okay I spent most of my time coming up with the headline so I needed to gather my thoughts on this whole Johnny Jolly being suspended for the season thing. I'm sort of torn on if this matters or not? Like I know he's been a starter on the defensive line for the last two seasons, and I know he's made some big plays stopping the run and tipping passes, but is this really a major loss? How many questions can I ask in one blog? Anyhow I guess my official stance here is one of indifference. It was pretty rare in the last two years that I said a swear word in FRONT of Johnny Jolly's name so he must have played decently. But at the same time BJ Raji really came into his own last year and Teddy Ballgame was once again playing chess on this situation by extending Ryan Pickett's deal in anticipation of a Jolly suspension. That gives you Pickett, Raji, and Cullen Jenkins as your opening week front three which sounds pretty formidable/totally dominant.

    The thing I don't understand is what exactly Johnny Jolly is getting suspended for? I keep on hearing the term 'purple drank' and codeine get thrown around. So I did what any clueless 20-something does when he doesn't understand a pop culture term; I headed to urban dictionary. Apparently purple drank is essentially cough syrup mixed with 7-Up. Sooooooo Johnny Jolly got busted for having a bunch of cough syrup? And is suspended for the whole year? And Ben Roelthesberger has sexually assualted at MINIMUM three women and got 8 games. Ummmmm....what? I guess the main issue was the amount Jolly had and perhaps an intent to distribute. So the guy tries to hold down a part time offseason gig and the NFL comes crashing down on him. What's next? We're going to start suspending players for getting in fights at strip clubs and soliciting sex (hello Eugene Robinson)? I mean where does it stop you know? Bonus word: jolly.

    PS: I guess this doesn mean that Justin Harrell is going to get more playing time. So upon further review EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

    Double PS: Between i-dosing and purple drank I feel WAY out of touch. I'm not even sure how this is fun. When I was a kid my parents had to give me 231 sugar cubes just to get me to consider a teaspoon of cough syrup.

  • Goodbye Rest of the day/life.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    So a couple of weeks ago I posted the blog about the sammich at Friendly's with the black angus burger center flanked by two grilled cheese sammiches as bread. In that same post I also had pictures posted of the KFC double down, feature bacon and cheese and crispy chicken as bread. Innocent enough I thought. I had read some articles and seen some pictures of them, so instead of blah blah blahing about how bad the Brewers are I threw a curveball into my blog rotation. The next day I had a listener email me a picture of this unholy concoction that most certainly requires a side order of Lipitor instead of fries:

    I don't know whether to be disgusted or hungry or turned on? Maybe a little of all three? Like I feel as if I need to see a therapist and examine my feelings on this. Some serious Freudian stuff going down. Anyhow this got me thinking, is there a whole subculture of this type of stuff that I don't know about? So I did what any red blooded 20-something does when you need more information on something; I googled it. I started with searches like 'disgusting food combinations' or 'bizarre food recipes' before I just went all in with 'food porn.' Now I want to warn you before you click on the following link, it can rip apart your life. You could lose your job, wages, and maybe conceive a food baby just by looking at this site. I mean I've joked about that when I posted the  Gus Johnson soundboard, or the NBA Jam soundboard, or the Nintendo game that allows you to use any character in any game, but this time I'm serious. Click at your own risk:

    http://foodporndaily.com/

    And it doesn't end. Ever. Like I've been clicking for days and it keeps showing new food centerfolds. I might be the first person to end up on A&E's Intervention for being addicted to food pics on the internet. I'm afraid to even order the cookbook that they are selling at the top of the screen due out in fall. If I get that I'm not going to rest until I've tried every recipe. And between that and fantasy football I'm not sure I'll have time to half ass it at my job. How many directions can you be pulled you know? So with that I offer a heart felt apology. I feel like a Johnny Depp in Blow. Just giving you a little taste then before you know it I'm surrounded by DEA agents while I'm organizing the trafficking of bacon wrapped cinnamon rolls. Food porn is a slippery slope folks. Bonus word: food.

    PS: How soon do you think I'm going to get an email from our web department with questions about what I'm googling 'food porn' for during work hours?

     

     

  • Charles Woodson Just Dominating Life.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Again on my way to the trainwreck that are my fantasy sports franchises, I caught this on Yahoo:

    A fellow named Rick Ruiz, Woodson's wine-making partner, is calling Woodson a hero after he helped him escape a house fire over the weekend. From a report at Cheesehead TV:

    “He’s a hero if you think about it,” said Rick Ruiz, director of operations for TwentyFour wine. “He actually woke me up, told me to get up.”

    [...]

    “I kind of just laid down, and Charles and I were just kind of hanging out there chatting about trying to figure out where that smell was coming from,” said Ruiz. “It wasn’t heavy at all in the beginning. It was just very light. I dozed off for a minute and Charles woke me up saying, ‘We gotta go. There’s a fire here.’”

    Woodson and Ruiz were up late watching a Charles Woodson highlight tape from 1997, when he won the Heisman.

     

    Yawn. Just Charles Woodson being Charles Woodson here. Win defensive player of the year, make some wine, pop in a highlight tape and save people's lives from a raging inferno. Ho-Hum. Nothing to see here. I'm honestly shocked that this fire had the balls to even attack Woodson. You think you can sneak up on a guy who intercepts passes in his sleep? Pfft. If you're wide receiver in the NFC North how are you feeling about your chances of beating Woodson in one on one coverage after reading this article. FIRE couldn't beat him. How in the world does Sidney Rice stand a chance. In fact what are the chances this fire was set by Brad Childress? 100-120%? Nice try Brad, now go back to waiting next to your cell phone for Brett to call you when he needs a ride to training camp in September.

    Also this article proves just how awesome it is to be a world class athlete. When Charles Woodson has friends or family over he can just pop in highlight tapes of his Heisman season, or playing in the Super Bowl with the Raiders (which is an amazing tape if only to see the Raiders playing for a championship), or highlights of last season when he was named the top defensive player in the league. You know what I've got in terms of home movies? My first communion video which may be the last time I wore a tie, my 8th grade graduation video where I'm rocking braces with cake stuck in them, and my college graduation video where I embarrass myself and others as I trip up the steps to get my diploma. So yeah I'd say advantage Woodson there. Whoop! I almost forgot about the bowling instructional video I made for my English class junior year of high school! You've never seen a man sweat so much while doing so little. Your move Woodson. Your move. Bonus word: woodson

    PS: I think I had roughly 9 heart attacks when I saw "NFL Star escapes house fire" and saw Woodson's picture on the article. If I'm the Packers front office I'm locking Woodson in a padded room until training camp starts. Call me crazy but I'm not feeling too comfortable with Brandon Underwood as a starter if Woodson is recovering from burn injuries. Now if partying it up in Wisconsin Dells while potentially harassing strippers was at stake, Underwood is my man. But in terms of covering Calvin Johnson? Woodson every day of the week.

    Double PS: Football needs to start yesterday.

  • George Steinbrenner appears on the only 2 minutes of Seinfeld I've never seen.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Am I the only one who has NEVER seen this clip? I was randomly browsing over all sorts of George Steinbrenner articles and one of the blogs I read had this video. Now I have literally seen every single episode of Seinfeld every aired anywhere between 5-750 times. I've even seen the Puerto Rican Day parade episode 5 times and I'm failry certain NBC burned that film 14 seconds after it aired. In fact I'd say I average at least 2.5 Seinfeld episodes per day. Highest average in the league.  I might one day hold a one hour press conference about where I plan to watch Seinfeld next. Will it be the living room? The bedroom? A friend's house? Hulu?! You'll have to tune in to find out.

    Anyway I figured the title of this video was some kind of typo but then I played it and bingo bango, there's ol' George in the flesh. So my whole life I've been bragging to people about how I could recite line for line any Seinfeld episode and it turns out I was wrong the entire time. This must have been what it was like for Brett Favre when he realized that instead of a good ol' boy he was really a douche. Just totally disheartening. Looks like I'm going to have to hit the couch and do some serious watching of episodes and DVD extras. I got lazy while WorldTalkLIVE just outwatched me. Bush league effort on my part.

    Also on the subject of Steinbrenner, anyone who is saying he was BAD for the game is legit crazy. Sure I've taken my fair share of jabs at big Stein over the years, but the bottom line is all the guy cared about was wining. He would pay any amount of money to make sure his players and fans where on the top of the baseball world. Any fanbase would kill for that type of mentality from their owner. Just kidding about the killing part. Not really.

  • Is this real life?

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    An article I read on the Yahoo! frontpage while on my way to my fantasy baseball teams*:

    NEWSOKSchools and drug experts are warning parents to beware of “digital drugs” that Mustang High School students blamed for their apparent intoxication. Three students were sent to the principal’s office when they appeared to be high on drugs or alcohol in March, said Mustang School District Superintendent Bonnie Lightfoot. She said the kids explained that they had tried something called “i-dosers.” Young people plug into i-dosers through putting on headphones and downloading music and tones that create a supposed drug-like euphoria. The technology is designed to combine a tone in each ear to create a binaural beat designed to alter brainwaves. So the worried Lightfoot sent parents a letter warning them to be aware of this new temptation to kids. When young people go to one website to download digital drugs, they’ll find a product line featuring titles such as “alcohol,” “opium,” “marijuana” and “orgasm.” The website shows the digital drugs have been downloaded more than 1 million times. To sell more, the websites encourage users to write about their experiences on the site. One user said animals popped up and paint seemed to fall from the wall.  A site says that the i-doses may not be downloaded by anyone under 18 years of age. “Come on. You know they are,” Forrest-Perkins said. “No one over 18 is trying to get stoned on a song.”

     

    Reason #4324325 why being a parent scares the living bejesus out of me. Like it's not bad enough you've got actual drugs, booze, partying, World of Warcraft addictions, or facebook bullying to worry about, but now when little Jimmy is using his headphones with his computer you've got to worry about him using some imaginary binaural beat to alter his brainwaves? Really? Is this what kids are doing these days? Like I know I'm out of touch with the youth of America. Last night it took me 45 minutes to update my iPod and I'm pretty sure I still don't have any mpz's on there. Hell I still have a MySpace page. I get that I'm no longer on the cutting edge of what's going on out there, but i-dosing? When I was a kid you were legit hardcore when you'd down 30 lines of Pixy Stix without blinking. Be on a crazy sugar high for like 14 minutes. Or popping 3 Atomic Warheads in your mouth at the same time. The lemon flavored kind. I once attempted that feat on a bet to acquire one of the original mechanical pencils. I got to 2 before I blacked out. Not even sure what happened the rest of that year. So safe to say i-dosing is beyond me. Bonus word: what.

    *110% of the non-sports information I take in is a direct result of websites I have to visit on my way to sports. If I didn't use Yahoo for my fantasy leagues I would have no idea there was even an oil spill.

    PS: The people that are selling these 'digital drugs' have to be laughing all the way to the bank right? There is a better chance of me getting high reading a book than getting high listening to tones. Anyway whoever is making bank on this is genius, say that it's new and digital and market it to kids and bingo bango you're raking in the cash. Marketing to teenagers 101.

    Double PS: I want a milkshake. 

  • Corey Hart is someone I would "Never Surrender"

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Somwhere Corey Hart smiles today. Because he just got the rare trifecta in this studio. He got wikipedia-ed, googled, and google image searched. The triple crown of the internets. If I would have downloaded a song of his on iTunes simultaneously he would have been trending based on my activity alone. You're welcome Corey. Yeah he could be sad that I couldn't think of a song title off the top of my head that led to all this research but that's beside the point. As a sidenote how upset is Corey Hart that when you google image 'corey hart' you have to go through like 5 pages of pics to get to the Brewer's Corey Hart. I mean the dude's hit 21 bombs, leads the NL in RBI, has a beard to be reckoned with and STILL no love.

    Anyhow the point of this blog is that there are a TON of rumors circulating around Corey Hart at the all star game in terms of potential trades. Hart to Tampa, Hart to Atlanta, Hart to San Fran, hell by the end of this week he might be linked to the Bucks. And this is all because he is not only in the middle of a career year, but also, like Prince, is a free agent after 2011. Now far be it for me to tell Doug Melvin how to do his job, he doesn't tell me how to make an ass out of myself everyday on the air so I try to avoid telling him how to run a Major League Baseball team. Even though I am the back to back runner up in the Short Bus Crew fantasy league. Just sayin. But doesn't it seem like it would be easier to sign Corey to an extension than Prince? So maybe you offer Corey a nice extension, trade Fielder for pitching and shift Corey to first base, which was his original position out of high school? Because I am convinced today more than ever that the Crew has -4000% chance of resigning Prince. In fact here's what Scott Boras said about it yesterday:

    Boras said Monday he views Fielder as a "rare, rare commodity" for what the slugging first baseman accomplished by age 25. Fielder, who turned 26 in May, already has 181 home runs in 764 major-league games.

    "Every other player that has that by his age is a Hall of Famer," said Boras, in attendance at the all-star interview sessions for players from both leagues.

    Boras noted that Fielder is a more accomplished power hitter and younger than another of his clients, first baseman Mark Teixeira, who signed an eight-year, $180 million free-agent deal with the New York Yankees prior to the 2009 season.

    I think he also said he hates puppies and Christmas in that interview as well. So if he thinks he is going to get Prince MORE than 8 years at 180 million you can forget about him retiring as a Brewer. Meanwhile here's what Corey said in regards to the trade talk:

    "I do want to stay," said Hart. "I've told Doug (Melvin) and Gord (Ash) that. I hope before they trade me they give me something to think about, something to say yes or no to. That hasn't happened yet."

    So who do you think we have a better chance of keeping long term? Not to mention you could probably lock up Hart for 5 or 6 years at 80 or 90 million. Not chump change but it will look like Corey's on welfare compared to Prince's ultimate number. And maybe if he makes 15 million a year he can get a slot on page one next to this music icon? Bonus word: hart.

    PS: Let's add a youtubing to the equation too:

    Also how is this not Corey Hart's at-bat intro music? For shame Corey. I take it all back! Trade Hart! Trade Hart!

  • I wish I could quit you Brewers!

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Preach Jake Gyleajfdklafd! Preach! If this 10 second video doesn't accurately assess my feelings towards the Crew at the all star break then nothing does. Totally makes having to google search a Brokeback Mountain reference to find it worth while/I'll probably never live down having a Brokeback Mountain video on my URL history. In a related story I think I may have actually nailed Jake's last name up there by just randomly typing letters. Not even the Word paperclip spoke up with "it looks like you're trying to spell" advice.

    So while I know I wrote a blog not even 7 days ago where I declared the season over, it's time to sell high and deconstruct the team blah blah blah, here are some reasons to believe in THIS season. My keyboard just laughed at me.

    1. This team is simply too talented to be 9 games under .500. I mean if you would have told me before the season started that at the all star break we'd have TWO starters on the NL team (Braun and Hart) as well as Yovani making it I would have told you to put the NL Central pennant up yesterday. Like how many people are going to tune in to the All Star game tomorrow night and wonder out loud how a team almost 10 games under has two starters on the team. In fact how many people are going to tune in and ask when they got baseball in Milwaukee. Point being Ryan Braun is getting it turned around, Corey Hart is having a career year, Yovani is a bonafide ace, and the young arms in the bullpen are getting it done.

    2. Baseball is a marathon not a sprint. And Brewers baseball fans should know that more than anyone. How many years have we watched this team sprint out in the first half and fade in the second half? Could the reverse happen this year? Have I completely lost it? Probably so on that last question. But even though we are past the halfway point there are still 2 and a half months of games left. And in baseball if you get hot for two weeks you can make up a lot of ground. For instance, on Friday the Brewers were 11.5 games back. They sweep the Pirates, the Reds get swept by the Phillies, and bingo bango in three days we're 8.5 games back.

    3. The REDS are in first place. The friekin Reds people. And the Brewers have only played them TWICE so far this season. We still play them like 57 times (read: 12), all in the second half. Win 8 out of those 12 and cut the lead in the division in half. Not to mention Dusty Baker manages the Reds, and he chokes in September like I eat doughnuts, all the time. Dude's allergic to pennants. Also, they're the REDS.

    Whew. So what would you say? I've moved on from "anger" and have seemlessly transitioned to 'bargaining'? Maybe this blog should have been titled, "My name is Jon, and I've been a Breweraholic for 26 years...." Or maybe the Brewers should start paying me to be their defense attorney! Seriously I think I just Matlocked the hell out of that argument:

    400% chance I get dragged off like that after I click "submit" on this blog. Bonus word: matlock.

     

    PS: If I'm ever in the position where I need an attorney I'm taking Ben Matlock 11 times out of 10. But what would the ultimate fictional attorney team be? Matlock, Maconahay in A Time to Kill, Denzel in Philadelphia, Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men, Adam Sandler in Big Daddy? Boom goes the litigious dynamite!

  • Dan Gilbert if my new hero.

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Well now that this LeBron thing is over we can all focus on what is truly important. Where is Luke Ridnour going to sign?! Honestly if LeBron gets an hour show, Ridnour should get what, like a mini series? In all seriousness that had to be the most pathetic thing I've seen broadcasted in a LONG time, and I do some pretty pathetic radio every morning. It's like my specialty. But LeBron raised it to a new level. And just when I thought nothing redeeming was going to come from it other than the fact that Cleveland as a city may cease to exist in 27 hours, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert rode in on a white horse of awesomeness and saved the day. So instead of blah blah blahing too much I think I'll just let Gilbert's words speak. Thanks for doing my job for me Dan!

    From Cavs.com -

    Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

    As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

    This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

    Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

    The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

    There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

    You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

    You have given so much and deserve so much more.

    In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

    “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

    You can take it to the bank.

    If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

    Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

    Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

    This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

    But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

    The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

    Just watch.

    Sleep well, Cleveland.

    Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

    I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

    DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

    Dan Gilbert
    Majority Owner
    Cleveland Cavaliers

    Boom goes the dynamite! Down goes James! Down goes James! Gotta love the moxy here of a guy who has to sort of watch his image. Like he says the things you want to say to an ex after you break up but given some time and perspective are thankful that you didn't. Not Dan Gilbert. This was released 13 seconds after James made his pick. So welcome to the list of my idols Danny.

    1. Bob Uecker

    2. Hulk Hogan/Ric Flair

    3. Harry Doyle

    4. Dan Gilbert

    Like I might be rooting for the Cavs in a way because of this? Is that weird? Plus it puts things in perspective for Wisconsin sports fans. Like sure, I've only seen one championship in my life and that was 14 years ago. But at least we're not Cleveland. CC Sabathia traded, Cliff Lee traded, football franchise left then came back but may as well not exist, no titles for any sport since the 1960 NFL season, and now their chosen one up and leaves too. Brutal.

    Anyhow I don't think I've hated a team or person more in sports than James and the Heat in a while. Chances are despite that hate though this team has to be the front runner to win the title next year. I mean they have 3 of the best players in the league now. Wait....the NBA isn't a 3 on 3 league? Huh. Well they'll have the best NBA Jam team of all time then. So they've got that going for them. Bonus word: lame.

    PS: On second thought I can't blame LeBron. Pat Riley probably sent him this music video and this music video alone as his evidence to join the squad.

    Double PS: This announcement really is big news for the Bucks. If you read between the lines here LeBron essentially announced that Bucks will win the Central next season. Fear the Deer!

     

     

     

  • Skunky Brew

    Posted by Jon Henseler

     

    Amen Calvin. A friekin men. Can somebody send this to Doug Melvin please? And I mean SEND it to him. Snail mail, gmail, AOL, Prodigy*, tweetering, bookface, hell throw it on his MySpace if he's still got one. This team needs improved pitching yesterday. They need new pitching like I need to stop considering Maxim reading material. Honestly, at this point I think it's safe to say that we are not going to climb back into the pennant race anytime soon. And you have no idea how hard that is for ME to type. Like I've hit 'ctrl a'+'del' about 14 times already just because it's painful to admit this early in the year. But 11 games under and 12.5 games back in early July seems like the proverbial mountain to climb. I'm pretty sure there's a better chance of it not getting dark tonight that the Crew playing playoff baseball this season.

    So the time has come to start wheeling and dealing baby! The Brewers have very tradeable pieces, my only hope is that Melvin spaces out the deals until the deadline on July 31st. That will leave only 14 days till preseason football. For starters there are rumors that the Giants are willing to deal Jonathan Sanchez to us for Corey Hart. Yes please! If Melvin doesn't make this move I'll.......I'll.....write a sternly worded blog. Yeah. But Sanchez is a very decent left handed pitcher who is young (think Manny Parra except more gooder), and is having his best season of his career with 7 wins and an ERA of 3.15. He also threw a perfect game last year for the Giants. And Corey Hart is NEVER going to be more valuable than he is now. For those keeping score thats all caps, bold, italics, and underlined. Although this may result in more playing time for Jody Gerut, but at this point I guess you do what you have to to start assembling a team for next season. Wow. Read that last sentence back again. If you told me I'd be pandering for more Jody Gerut playing time to plan for next season already on July 8th I would have told you that I don't care for your attitude.

    And just so we don't have a completely gloom and doom, let's go back in the time machine to two years ago today (queue Quantum Leap sound effects):

    That may as well be a centerfold. Yup it's been that long since "The Trade." And now two years later we're looking to break up the entire squad. Bonus word: bleh.

    PS: Calvin and Hobbes were my BOYS back in the day. Like if you can't trace it back to Calvin and Hobbes or Seinfeld I probably stopped paying attention. My Philosophy 201 professor in college had a Calvin and Hobbes strip in her syllabus. Only class I attended every time and the only syllabus I ever read where "attendance policy" was not the first thing I honed in on.

    *First time Prodigy has been referenced since 1996. CompuServe is jealous.

  • What?

    Posted by Jon Henseler

     

    Am I on planet earth anymore?

    ESPNLeBron James is planning to announce the team with which he will sign during a one-hour special on ESPN Thursday night, ESPN The Magazine’s Chris Broussard has learned through independent sources. ESPN would only confirm that active discussions for the special are ongoing. But sources tell Broussard that representatives for James contacted the network, proposing that James makes his announcement during a 9 p.m. ET special. Those sources said that James’ representatives requested they be allowed to sell sponsorship for the one-hour special, with the proceeds going to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, and that ESPN agreed to the proposal but had not been told what James has decided.

    So if I read between the lines here LeBron is basically going to announce on Thursday at 9pm that he is the biggest ass of all time? Like "LeBron" must be a synonym for "total douche" at this point? I think I read that on his Wiki page at least. I mean I thought Brett Favre was an attention......ummmmmm how do I say this magnanimously........okay it rhymes with "whore." Whew. That was a close one. Got to keep the language clean on the old blog. But seriously Brett has kicking himself for not coming up with this plot. Announce your intentions on national TV AND sell YOUR OWN ads for the timeslot. I know there's the thing about the Boys and Girls Clubs blah blah blah. But that is merely a veil to try and conceil was a conceited guy he is. This way when people call him out he can say, "What, do you hate the Boys and Girls Club too?" Well you're not fooling me LeBron. I may have thought Brett retired twice, or that McGwire and Sosa were legit in '98, or that the cable company would acutally be at my house between 3 and 5, but will I let LeBron make me believe he's a good guy? For sure not.

    And don't think ESPN is in the clear here either. "Sources tell Broussard that representatives for James contacted the network, proposing that James make his announcement during a 9 p.m. ET special." Read: "ESPN is tired of airing World Series of Poker 2006 or Spelling Bee repeats every night so they made sure to make this LeBron signing a national event and consequently a ratings bonanza." At least if they would have said it that way I'd have some respect for this marketing ploy.

    Oh well I suppose. As the old saying goes; if you're going to be a drama queen may as well make sure you get giant TV ratings, make a ton of bank, and laugh about it in a money vault swimming in coin like Scroog McDuck afterwards. It's a lesson for the kids really. Bonus word: unreal.

    PS: I'm 6,000% watching this on Thursday.

    Double PS: "Magnanimously" is easily the biggest word I've used EVAR. Like addendum feels inadequate next to magnanimously. I think I may have added some extra vowels but whateves, I can't be expected to get it all right on a (claps hands) 5 syllable word.

  • John Hammond Discovers Plutonium by Accident

    Posted by Jon Henseler

     

    Thank God for 3 day weekends huh? On Friday the Bucks made two major moves (signing Drew Gooden and John Salmons) and I wasn't sure how I felt either of them. And I was hit with the conundrum of posting a blog that I wasn't 100% invested in or waiting for Tuesday after I've had some time to clear my head and ponder the pros and cons of each signing*. So this extended break hit at just the right time. I needed to get away from the rigors of scouring youtube all day for videos of cats playing with ipads, or clicking refresh 3423432 times on the Brewers blog to find out what the latest news is on the Crew. I mean video's of guys chugging beer and pictures of food porn aren't going to post themselves right? So after some careful thought here is what I believe John Hammond is doing with both moves:

    The Salmons signing was a no brainer. They went 22-8 with him in the lineup. Case closed. That one was easy, like ridiculing Cubs fans easy. The Gooden one was a little bit more difficult but I think I finally understand the reasoning behind it. Sure  Gooden has been on 9 teams in 9 years. But one of those teams was the Cleveland Cavaliers with LeBron James. And I read somewhere on the internet that Gooden and LeBron ended up being BFF's during that time together. Seems a little far fetched but as I said, it was on the internet. Not only that but it was the result of a google search. If we can't trust either of those what can we trust? Exactly. So instead of wooing big names like Wade or LeBron, Hammond went for the ace in the hole in Gooden. LeBron, wanting to play with his besty will inevitably sign with us as the next domino to fall. Consequently, LeBron will then call Wade and lure him back to the place where he made a name for himself in college at Marquette. With both King James and Wade on board, Chris Bosh will immediately sign with Milwaukee for the veteran's minimum just so he can latch on for what will certainly be 5 straight years of championship rings.

    Opening night starting 5:

    Jennings

    Wade

    LeBron

    Bosh

    Bogut

    So while some say we signed a career journeyman for far too much money, I say we just signed the Larry O' Brien trophy for half a decade. Ho-Hum. No big deal. Just Hammond being Hammond and reinventing the game. It reminds me of the Seinfeld roommate switch:

    John Hammond and George Costanza ladies and gentlemen. Life's just a layup drill for some guys. Bonus word: trophy.

    *That is the EXACT line I gave almost every professor in college when I needed an extension on a paper. Listen would you rather have a crappy paper that I rushed, or a crappy paper that I had time to formulate. No brainer. Now back to watching funny animal/wrestling youtube videos.

     

  • Happy Birthday America!

    Posted by Jon Henseler

    Well if that doesn't make you cry then nothing will. I thought I was going to be a tough guy and not weep through these things but I lasted until about the 27 second mark of video one before it was a waterworks show here in the studio. That's par for the course though here at B93. If Jon isn't crying like a girl in studio by 9:30am then something must be wrong.

    Honestly these are great videos to put into perspective the sacrifices that solider's and their families make every day to make this country great. I'm not sure how soliders do it everyday, everywhere in the world. Hell I have to press pause after only 16 minutes of playing Call of Duty on my Playstation because my heart rate is going bananas. So a tip of the cap to everyone that has served, or is serving our country. Important stuff to remember during 4th of July weekend. See how I've matured? Instead of thinking about when I can crack my first beer on a three day weekend I'm acutally starting to take time to appreciate the meaning behind these holidays. THEN contemplating when to crack my first beer on a holiday weekend. So enjoy and be safe this weekend! Good Lord. Stay safe? I=becoming my father. Bonus word: America.

    PS: We'll address the Drew Gooden/potential John Salmons signings for the Bucks on Tuesday when we get back. Honestly its going to take until then to come up with a proper justification for that amount of money on a career journeyman. Like I've been writing thesis statements and making visual aides with colored pencils and everything to try and make a solid argument in favor of this move.

    Double PS: If those videos didn't get you in the patriotic mood than let Julianne Hough help you out:

    Whoop, I'm tearing up again! USA! USA!