After Arachnophobia I couldn't look at a spider without screaming like a 10 year old girl. After The Matrix, I thought I could could jump in between tall buildings. After Gone in 60 Seconds I thought my Dodge Neon could go as fast as a Shelby Mustang. After Waterworld I was just disappointed. The point is I've always been more of a literal guy (read:gullible) when it comes to real life imitating movie life. But this guy is 200% the character that Harry Doyle was based off of in the movie Major League. This rant is epic! Literally no Cleveland Indian is left out. I think he even got me toward the end. And I've called games for many sports teams in my day. Without a doubt the hardest part of calling games is being critical in a 'nice' way on the air so that Joe Fan thinks you're credible, but the players and managers that you are traveling with don't stop talking to you/give you a wedgie before every game. So I guess this is why he decided to roast everyone? That way they were all treated equally?
Bar none though my favorite part of this video is from the 1:35-2:00 minute mark. Just brilliant broadcasting. I'm talking hall of fame, boom goes the dynamite stuff. Like I want to make a shirt with the Suppan 37 on the back in Brewers blue, that says "I'm hurting all over my bod-ay, head tah toe," on the front. In fact could you imagine if this guy did sports talk in Milwaukee after a Suppan start? What an unmitigated disaster that would be. The producer would have to have his trigger finger on the bleep button the entire time! Bonus word: doyle. Also I guess this goes to show you, that no matter how bad Wisconsin sports may seem, at least we're not in Cleveland:
PS: Jody Gerut hit for the cycle on Saturday? And Jeff Suppan had a scoreless inning yesterday? Like this is the real world right? Not a science fiction novel? Question mark?
I have to admit I saw this question posed on on my buddy's facebook wall like three weeks ago and it's been torturing my mind ever since. Like I've got excel spreadsheets and visual aides at my apartment comparing and contrasting who means more to their team. I even broke out those markers that come with that 'white' marker, and when you use that over colors that are already down it changes it to something else? Stuff is ridiculous. Anyhow the obvious answer here would be Aaron Rodgers based on the fact that he is a quarterback, the team relies on him more blah blah blah. But I'm thinking like overall. In terms of not only athletic prowess on the field, but marketing, celebrity factor, all of that. So let's do this the only way I know how, make a pros and cons list. I=a girl.
As a quick sidenote can anyone see what the hell Ryan Braun is doing in the photo? Like he's got a pool ball maybe? And his arm is on fire? I thought it was one of those magic eye things at first but I can't tell?
Ability on the field (underlined AND bold baby!)
We're certainly comparing apples to oranges when you look at baseball and football. Obviously the Packers are more reliant on Rodgers than the Brewers are on Braun. With that being said though, Braun's name is consistently in comparative conversations with Albert Pujols based on his stats and his age. Aaron Rodgers on the other hand is already is one of the top 3 or 4 quarterbacks in the league (as objectively voted upon by me), has a career QB rating well over 90, and draws comparisons to the Steve Young's of the world. I guess I'd have to give it to Rodgers on the fact that if he gets hurt the Packers are screwed and if Braun gets hurt the worst the happens is Jody Gerut gets extensive playing time......on second thought. Still: Advantage Rodgers.
Braun has got to be the clear cut winner here. He's got endorsements with Nike, opened two restaurants in the state, has a shirt brand and a killer faux hawk. Rodgers I'm sure has jersey and show contracts but beyond that not much. How does this guy not have a championship belt endorsement deal? Advantage: Braun.
Aaron Rodgers has been making the rounds on TMZ with photos of him dating Lady Antebellum lead singer Hillary Scott:
Which on normal day would be a lay up drill win for A-Rod. But then I found this:
That's what we like to call a walk off ladies and gentleman! Game over man, game over. I need like 8 of these Remington whateverthehell they are things right now! And here's another thing I love about Braunie. He 200% is taking that hit seriously at the end. I don't care if it's a commercial or a wild card clinching 2 run bomb, Braun plays for keeps. Advantage: Braun.
Winner: Ryan Braun? I guess Rodgers should get like two points for winning the only category that matters in terms of athletics. But then we're back to square one. This is like when Ryu and Ken battle in Street Fighter*. Double knockout. Bonus word: perplexed.
* Anyone who chose to use Ryu or Ken in Street Figher when playing against their friends is a certified jerk. Like my dog could win a fight with those guys. Just haduken the crap out of your opponent and they've got no chance. Why don't you act like a professional for once and try to win with Dhalsim or something.
PS: Just writing this article makes me jealous of professional athletes. Too bad I hit my athletic peak at age 8. There wasn't a thing I couldn't catch during Nerf football at recess in 3rd grade. Hell I could even catch the orange and black Nerf ball that had that plastic screamer on the side. Remember that thing? My hands stung so bad after a half an hour using it that I couldn't even eat my Gushers before we had to go back in. Oh well I guess.
Man, what a difference a year makes huh? From that Bango to a Bango backflipping off of 30 foot high ladders. This was the exact picture that I used 19 months ago when the NBA season started to ask a simple question: do people care about the Bucks? Seemed poignant at the time. Considering this squad had come off of 26, 24, and 34 win seasons, hadn't been to the playoffs in four years (which in the NBA is shocking, I think my high school intramural team almost made the NBA playoffs in 2002), and whose mascot was sidelined last season with a torn ACL. It was a perfect storm of bad. Hell the Bucks were about as irrelevant in the NBA as Aquaman was in Justice League*. And to be honest, at the time I figured I'd sooner be writing a blog about the Bucks moving to Seattle before I'd write one about them being a contender again.
But here we are. A dynamic draft pick in Brandon Jennings, Andrew Bogut blossoming into a dominant NBA center, Scott Skiles finishing 2nd in coach of the year balloting, John Hammond winning executive of the year, and a catch phrase so trendy that 'Hulkamania' is jealous, and BLAMO the Bucks suddenly look like a team on the rise. I think I acutally wrote 6 or 7 in season blogs about this team. Hell by the end of the year the Bucks were even in the first 20 minutes of Sportscenter and I was watching them play on a date in MAY.
And the best part of all of this? This team has no where to go but up. Look I'm not saying they're going to win an NBA championship, but an NBA championship is entirely possible/probably going to happen. Think about it, Brandon Jennings is 20 years old. He now has playoff experience as a rookie, and while he had some shooting nights this season that looked like me 'practicing' in the alley behind my parents house (read: brick city), his shot is only going to get better. He's got a great basketball IQ, can pass with the best in the league, and has bought into Scott Skiles system. Andrew Bogut is already locked up for another 4 years and I would argue is behind only Dwight Howard in terms of best centers in the east. And even though it seems like he's been in Milwaukee for 10 years already, he's only 25 years old. Delfino and Ersan? Both young, and both signed. Mbah a Moute is already one of the best defenders in the league, and is slowly developing an offensive game. Oh and he's also young. Noticing a trend? This team is young and talented.
And we have one of the best GMs in the league. Seriously if you look at the team that John Hammond inherited two years ago and the team we have now it's actually shocking what he has been able to do. Ever watched the show "Flip this House" on HGTV? That's basically what Hammond has done, except instead of a house, it's an NBA franchise. Somehow he has rid this team of literally DOZENS of terrible contracts and has managed to put enough talent on the floor to make this team exciting, all while waiting to get out of financial hell in 2011 when both Michael Redd's 18 million and Dan Gadzuric's 7 million come off the books. As of right now the Bucks will have the MOST money to spend in the summer of 2011. When guys like Carmelo Anothony are free agents.
The other nice thing about the NBA is that the 'hot stove' is not that far off. The draft is next month already, and free agency begins July 1. Resigning John Salmons should be a priority, but beyond that I'm not sure I would change this team all that much from this year. Just let them grow and mature together. Bonus word: rise.
*Me:1 Aquaman: 0. He never saw it coming. Your move Aquaman. Your move.
So this video was making the rounds yesterday and I totally missed it. Hell my dad even saw this thing before I did and I think they're still using dial up at the house. So my apologies for being late to the dance with this, but I saw that fart blanket video and the rest of my day was shot!
What I think is curious about this video is the amount of controversey surrounding it. Like talk radio was apparently discussing this all day, going back and forth about whether it was right to tase this kid or not, what the procedure should be when a fan runs on the field blah blah blah. Is that even a question? If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times; run on the field during a professional sporting event and expect to be physically assaulted. This kid should absolutely get tasered for running on the field. For two reasons:
1. He was 17 years old and appeared to be in shape. Which means that without that taser gun there is a 200% chance that this kid would STILL be running around on that field waving his towel like a maniac! Have you ever tried to chase down anyone between the ages of 16-22 on foot? Impossible. And the guys trying to chase him down had to be in their 30's, 40's, and 50's. Did you see the looks on their faces as he was juking around them like Barry Sanders for a full minute? I'm not sure what happens to the human body once you hit the age of 23, but everything goes to hell. Stamina? Gone. Endurance? See ya. There was a time in my life when I could sprint like this kid for half an hour, but now I don't go on the treadmill for even 5 minutes without my Life Alert bracelet on. So yeah, without a solid tase here who knows how long this tom foolery goes on.
2. He is a Phillies fan. Nuff said.
And to go along with that last point, this was IN Philadelphia. Now I am a borderline baseball maniac, but you couldn't pay me enough to go to a game in Philly. It's like Thunderdome there. No rules apply. So this is pretty much par for the course. This kid is lucky it was ONLY a taser gun. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if this was a planned stunt for the entertainment of obnoxious Phillies fans.
The one thing I do wonder about is what goes through the head of a person when they decide to do this? I was at the Cubs/Brewers game a couple of weeks ago and two Cubs fans ran on the field and were promptly form tackled. Like Clay Matthews might be on security detail at Miller Park. But as that happened I started to wonder about the thought process here. Do you just say to yourself 'welp, I could really use a night in jail, here goes nothing!' And apparently this kid called his dad before he did this and asked him if he should? This is why I have the utmost respect for parents. How do you even respond to that question? Do you just say "Ummmm sure son, what could possibly go wrong..." then turn off your cell phone and call it a night? Bonus word: tase.
PS: I could have watched those Cubs fans get tackled again and again. It even made me feel better about Jeff Suppan giving up 19 runs in 4 innings. If I could have a real life DVR I would have rewound that thing a thousand times. Like in that Adam Sandler movie, Click.
PPS: Without out a doubt one of the top three things in my life that I'm ashamed of is that I saw Click. In the movie theater. As in I paid money to watch it.
With a title like that how can you not read? One of the philosophies I lived by my entire life: I'll read any article that contains 'Brewers,' 'Packers,' 'Bucks,' or 'farts.' And yes, I was giggling like a school girl just typing 'fart blanket' in to the title section of our blog system.
So to quote Don King: Only in America!! Honestly this is what makes this country great. You've got an idea to solve the worlds bed farting problems? Boom, make it happen and become a gagillionare. Let me also say that this invention is 100% legit. I called the number and everything. In fact all you have to do is google "The better.." and the first thing google fills in for you is '...marriage blanket.'
This is also going to put an end to divorce in this country as we know it. Because you can talk till you're blue in the face about household responsibilities, cheating, blah blah blah. But we all know the #1 reason that couples break up is under the cover farting. It's a fact. So put the inventor of this product next to Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, and whoever invented the Shamwow. They all changed the world in their own little way.
My only question is how extensive was the testing done on this blanket before it made it to the streets. Are we talking you average, every day run of the mill fart? Or like extraordinary circumstances farts. Because Thursday's at college was not only 'thirsty' Thursday's, but taco night at our cafeteria. You get a floor full of guys loaded up on refried beans and PBR and you're talking a different breed of fart. If the better marriage blanket can hold up to that, then I'll buy 10 right now. Maybe that's where the 'same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons' comes into play? Because make no mistake about it, thirsty taco Thursday was more dangerous than mustard gas.
I also love at the :41 second mark: "So whether you or your spouse suffers from a health issue..." Ahhhh.....the ol' I have a health issue excuse. As old as time itself. Bonus word: blanket.
PS: This video can cut the crap with the 'you or your spouse' rhetoric. We know this is solely intended for men. Girls don't fart. It's science.
PPS: As happy as couples are about this, dry cleaners have to be equally horrified right? Imagine Bill and Susie walk into your dry cleaning establishment with two weeks worth of gas locked into this thing and you have to clean it. Barf.
Never before has one picture so accurately summed up 25 games of baseball. This is the Brewers in a nutshell. Stumbling lifelessly through the first portion of their schedule and making even the calmest baseball fan start to worry about the direction this team is headed. Disclaimer: I still am not even close to hitting the panic button. Fact: This may be the biggest month in Brewer baseball for years to come.
Now a 10-15 record is a little disconcerting (you see how I'm maturing? 'A little disconcerting' replaces $%%$*$!) at this juncture of the year. But not nearly as unsettling as how the Crew has gotten to this early season low. For one, they are completely out of sync. When the pitching is there, the bats go silent. When the bats are there, the pitching gives up runs like Chuck Norris doles out roundhouse kicks, swiftly and indiscriminately. Not to mention this team has lost some of it's 'swag' this season. I'm not sure if it's because Ken Macha has put an end to it, or if the players are just tired of it, but there's no more 'un-tuckem' after wins, no more atomic bomb celebrations from Prince Fielder, and a lot less smiles in the dugout. Now granted there hasn't been a ton to smile about this season so far, but doesn't it seem like this team has lost a little bit of itself? Right now in post game interviews and even during games the Brewers seem a bit awkward and unfocused. Like me trying to ask a girl to dance in middle school. Or high school. Or now. Anyway, I know there are baseball traditionalists (read: Tony La Russa) who are happy to see the antics go, but to me they were a part of what made the team fun to watch. Now we're losing AND not getting under La Russa's skin? For shame Brewers. For shame.
Now just to put minds at ease, it's still only May 3rd. In 2008, when this squad made the playoffs, they were 23-27 as late as June and still won 90 games. In 2007 they started 24-10 and ended up winning only 83. Point being not much can be taken from a record this early. And in SEVEN games this season the Crew has had a lead into the 8th inning only to see the bullpen blow it. Let's say conservatively that the bullpen only blows three of those games. I'm no math major but wouldn't that make our record like 23-2?! Nah but seriously 14-11 looks a hell of a lot better than 10-15, and in many of those games Hoffman or Hawkins were only a pitch or two away. Granted our record IS 10-15 and not 14-11, but let me be glass is half full until at least June.
With that said, this month is critical. There are question marks about whether the Brewers are going to make a serious offer to Prince this year, questions about whether Macha will be our manager beyond this season blah blah blah. If this team is not at least treading water by the end of May (at or above .500) there are going to be serious ramifications come June and eventually during July's trade deadline. Because if this team is not in contention, Prince is going to get traded this year. And Willie Randolph is going to be our manager. And I may lose it, all while googling 'Packers training camp dates.' Bonus word: may.
As a preface: Are these supposed to be the characters associated with the Tiger, Wolf, and Bear patches? Looks a lot like Tony the Tiger and Smokey the Bear to me. If I'm their lawyers I'm calling shenanigans on this right away. Public service or not, if you don't have your identity what do you have?
Man, talk about being born in the wrong time period. Back in my day we had to excercise, learn how to make fire with two sticks, and compete in triathlons! Alright that last one was a lie, but I honestly don't remember a third thing I had to complete in Cub Scouts. In fact I just googled 'cub scout badges,' got to the Cub Scout website, couldn't find what I was looking for in 2 minutes, and gave up. Maybe that's why I never got my Webelos badge? Whateves. But now this article comes out:
Video Games=Cub Scout badge. Or pin. Or whatever the heck it's called these days. Honestly are the Cub Scouts serious with this? Like if I could be racking up badges by dominating Mario Kart and owning my friends at Star Fox then I'd be an Eagle Scout so fast it would make your head spin! Just a shame I'm past by Cub Scout prime at this point. Who knew that while I was playing Oregon Trail when I was 8 instead of doing pushups to get my 'athletic' pin I was acutally setting precedents for generations behind me. On a sidenote no one plays Oregon Trail as effectively as me. No one. Set that pace to grueling and make your wife the name of the girl you've got a crush on and blamo, game on. That plus you've got to be hearltess. Oh Dan's got typhoid? Pffft. Whatever man, then don't drink the old water, now quiet down while I go kill 72 buffalo.
I do have to say there is one thing on the list of accomplishments you have to achieve in order to get this badge that I do think is intense:
4. Teach an adult or a friend how to play a video game.
Thank god they added the 'friend' part, because anyone who has tried to teach an adult how to play Playstation knows it is a test of wills. Like I've got a better chance of guessing what's on a woman's mind than I do of teaching my dad how to throw a pass in Madden. Bonus word: game.
PS: Without a doubt my generation is going to be best equipped to survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I've played so many hours of Resident Evil it's not even funny. Just need enough ink ribbons to save my checkpoints and I'll survive till I'm 80.
PPS: Before I put this link up I need to warn you. Disclaimer: By clicking on this link you forfeit the rest of your work day. Because there's not a chance you're getting anything else done once you see it. The guy who developed this is 200% the guy who wrote the rules and regulations to this Cub Scout badge. Enjoy.
Man is Bango killing it this week or what? First he does a triple axel off of a 30 foot high ladder for a reverse dunk, and now he's abusing Hawks fans like Scott Skiles is abusing Mike Woodson in the coaching department. BWAHAHAHAHA! Is there any doubt that he'd be the first overall pick in the mascot draft? FOR SURE NOT!
Well another improbable win last night for a team that has been improbably good all season and is poised for an improbable match-up with the Magic in the conference semi-finals. Improbable. What was truly shocking about last night's win was the fashion in which is was achieved. Down by 13 in the 3rd and as many as 9 late in the 4th, it looked like the Bucks were on the verge of a back-against the wall, win or go home scenario for Game 6 on Friday at the BC. But a 14-0 run put together with tenacious defense and gritty hustle put the Bucks in front for good and in position to CLOSE OUT THE SERIES at home on Friday. The best part was watching the likes of Josh Smith, who infamously called out Milwaukee as a boring town earlier in the series*, and all the Hawks fans watch on in shock as the Bucks drank their milkshake. See the Hawks have a milkshake. And the Bucks have a milkshake. And the Bucks have a straw that goes alllllll the way to Atlanta. And we drink their milkshake. We drink it up!
Heck the Bucks are playing so well that I'm even getting emails like this at work:
'Every morning I hear you talk about the Milwaukee Bucks and how you might be one of the only season-long fans. You're not the only one! My family has been season ticket holders for the last 10 years and are devoted Bucks fans. My 23-year old brother even decked out his car with Bucks stickers, jerseys,and memorabilia!'
And no, I didn't just send that to myself from a different account. It's from B93 listener Melissa. A positive email about the Bucks? In late April? I kept waiting for the part where she was stranded in Nigeria with an ailing prince and she needed to just borrow my credit card number to get home. Which I would 200% have complied with. Send me any email about the Bucks/Brewers/Packers and THEN ask for money and you'll get it from me 11 times out of 10. But no! It was just a legit Bucks fan who just wanted to show off some fandom. In fact a lot of Bucks fans who haven't been able to be proud of this franchise in 10 years are coming out of the wood work. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even ashamed of having 'bucks.com' on my history list. Jonasbrothers.com/tourdates however.....
So if you're going to the game on Friday I'll see you there! And if not be sure to tune in and drink in a team that is just that: a team. Because in sports these types of seasons are rare. Seasons where NOTHING was expected of a team, and they defy it at every turn. It's like rolling down your car window on a 65 degree December day. Watching a Stanley Kubrick film and understanding it. Or Ken Macha properly using a bullpen. Bonus word: rare.
*Josh Smith is learning very quickly that the Southeastern Wisconsin German/Polish mentality is vicious. Call our town boring? We will boo you mercilessly every time you touch the ball. Even if you're right. It's like when you have a weird relative who may or may not probably has a drinking problem. You can make fun of them with your own family, but if an outsider makes a comment? BAM. Hit with a chorus of boos. That's just how we roll.
This situation reminds me of the scene in Wedding Crashers where Owen Wilson is trying to convince Vince Vaughn's character to stick with him over breakfast. In this case Brewers fans are Vince, Trevor Hoffman is Owen Wilson.
'I'll stick it out with you because you're desperate. I'm gonna try to give you a little more time, because somebody can't close. Here's what's going to happen, Tanto, Kemo Sabe's gonna have some flavor, I'm gonna chose not to eat with you, I'd like to recharge my batteries and shut down the engines and get myself back to neutral. When the meal is over I will talk to you, I don't want to get into what happened last night cause it's only going to make me mad, let's get through today, let's keep our eye on the prize, let's focus and let's close some games.'
Sigh....so with that, the popular topic in Brewer nation late last night and into this morning has been whether or not the Brewers need to make a switch when it comes to their closer. And after the year Hoffman had last year, that notion would seem as odd as me being nervous for a Bucks game at 10 in the morning. But here we are. Now I was as frustrated/angry/bitter as anyone was who watched the whole game last night. I was frangritter in other words. But I have to say I was shocked at what bloggers on JSONLINE and facebookers were saying after the Cedeno home run to tie it at 3. People were spitting straight venom on a guy who was 37/41 in save opportunities with an ERA well under 2. Good thing Trevor's too old for that bookface otherwise he might feel pretty down this morning! Nevertheless I'd be lying if it weren't a bit perplexing to watch a guy who was so crafty last year throw 83 mph 'heat' right over the middle the plate time after time when his changeup is his money pitch. Not including the intentional walk last night he threw 20 pitches. 3 changeups. And when your fastball is as pedestrian as Hoffman's is, it's basically like throwing batting practice when he's not locating it. Hell I think I could go deepmake contact strikeout and cry if you're throwing 83. But the problem is Trevor's not pitching to me, so something's got to give.
Now while a lot of aforementioned people are calling for Hoffman to be replaced or cut blah blah blah, I'm not ready to panic just yet. And I did a little research to validate my faith. I hit up 'Baseball Reference'* and looked at Hoffman's monthly splits, and what I found was that during his career, in his team's first 20 games he is 51/64 in save opportunities. A percentage of 79%. All other games? 542/602. 90 percent. What this tells me is that Trevor simply struggles in April, which is something Brewers fans didn't deal with last year because he was injured. Bottom line is the dude's a hall of famer. There's no way he goes from dominant season last year, to totally useless in the span of 5 months. Then again when I was 24 I could drink a case of beer and be fine and since I turned 25 I can't drink two beers without falling asleep. So take it for what it's worth. And while Hells Bells has gone from 'game over' music to 'nervous/sweating' music, Hoffman deserves at least a couple more weeks until there is a serious conversation about his role on this team. Bonus word: off
*If you've never been to Baseball Reference, navigate at your own risk. It is the most detailed/nerdiest baseball stat site ever invented. I once went there to look up the career stats of Ben Sheets before a fantasy baseball draft and found that I could not only get his year by year breakdown but also how Ben pitched each month, day of the week, and when we wore boxers instead of briefs. One click leads to another and all of a sudden 3 days have gone by and you haven't slept or bathed. So while doing research there I suggest the buddy system. Baseball Referencing 101.
(Ric Flair strut) WHOOOOO! Another day, another catchy headline. Yawn. In other news I'm not sure I'm even in the real world after my experience last night at the Bradley Center. Like I know I was at the Bradley Center, but so were about 18,000 other people. It was.....crowded. I actually had to wait in food lines....it was loud....there was enthusiasm....people were in the pro shop....and...and buying things. And the most bizarre part? At the end of the game all those same people were scrambling to the box office to get more tickets. Huh. I feel like I'm in that Seinfeld episode where Costanza stumbles upon the club of beautiful women by using Jerry's girlfriend's picture (man hands) to get in. Then after telling Jerry about this forbidden city he tries to take him there and it's a meat packing plant when they arrive.
In all seriousness last night's game 4 has easily lept into my 'top 3 sporting events ever attended' list.
1A. Brewers Clinch Wild Card spot
1B. Brewers Wild Card Game 3
1C. Ryan Braun walkoff vs. Pirates 2008
1D. Prince Fielder walkoff vs. Pirates 2008
2. Packers clinch playoffs at Lambeau when the Vikings lose at the last second in Arizona, 2003.
3. Game 4 Bucks/Hawks 2010.
It was that much fun. Just raucous from opening tip to final buzzer. Like I've been to WWF events that were tamer than last night's crowd. Speaking of WWF events, check out this video of Bango during one of the timeouts last night:
I half expected Razor Ramon to walk down the aisle and challenge him to a ladder match! Wow, three wrestling references in one post. I can actually hear women getting turned off. Honestly though that was one of the sickest stunts I've seen at a basketball game. When he got to the top of that ladder everyone in attendance was just praying he didn't 'Bogut' it. As a sidenote you know your injury is horrifying when it becomes an adjective.
And on top of all of the aforementioned madness there was actually a "Danny G! Danny G!" chant going for the Bucks backup big man Dan Gaduric, after he made several big plays in the second half. For those that don't know the implications of a chant like that, it would be the Brewers equivalent of Miller Park chanting "SOUUUUUUUPPP" after Jeff Suppan threw 7 scoreless innings in the playoffs. It would be the Packer equivalent of Justin Harrell getting a big sack in the Super Bowl. It would be me rooting for the Cubs. Whoop....just threw up in my mouth a little bit on that last one. Bonus word: bizarre.
PS: By far my proudest moment as a blogger came in that last paragraph where I got Jeff Suppan, Justin Harrell, and the Cubs in consecutive sentences. Boom. Triple roasted. Like I feel like everything I've written up until now has been working to that moment. It's my Sistine Chapel. My Macbeth. My KFC Double Down. It's all down hill after this.
So this is what it's like to be a Pirates fan huh? Just getting totally owned on your home field by a division rival. Straight embarrassing stuff (man even my text sounds sad). But you know what? As a wise man once said, there's no crying in baseball! And he's also a man who safely landed Apollo 13, is a world ping pong champion, made AOL popular, solved the Da Vinci riddle, and rescued Buzz Lightyear from the dreaded claw. If you can't trust him who can you trust? So instead of being negative about a toughbrutal vomit inducing series, let's look at some of the positives that came from the weekend massacre.
1. Jeff Suppan will not make another start in a Brewers uniform. Honestly that in itself is worth the pounding we took in three games. Hell I'd be fine with getting outscored 55-4 if that was the end result. I was at the game on Friday and in all my years of attending sporting events, I've never once heard hate spewed on a hometown player as much as I did when Granpa Macha pulled Soup. It was like when you date someone for years and all of their annoying habits like leaving crumbs in bed, or clipping their toenails on the carpet eat at you everyday, and then one day during a totally unrelated argument EVERYTHING comes out in a fit of rage. Except Jeff Suppan's crumbs and toenails are an astronomical ERA and an equally astronomical pay stub. There were people booing him, swearing at him, and speaking in tongues at him as he trotted off the field. Some were even doing all three (read: me)! Then finally on Sunday came the announcement that Narveson would be taking his rotation spot come Wednesday. And barring two major injuries, we have thankfully seen our last 'probable starter' line with 'Jeff Suppan' next to it. So what will we do with our 12.5 million dollar man? I've got the perfect job for him. Slump buster. Whenever the Brewers struggle on offense like they did this weekend, just come in on Monday and have Soup pitch our offense a simulated game. Blamo. Fixed. Perfect job for Soup.
2. Doug Davis finally gets his act together. Now this one comes with a caveat in that although he pitched well, the Brewers wasted the effort by not mustering any kind of offense against Ted Lilly. Wasting a quality start by Doug Davis this season is like throwing away a winning lottery ticket. But it finally looked like he had the pitch command and craftiness that allowed him to have the second most quality starts in the National League last season. I'll take 6+ innings of two run ball from double D any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
3. The Cubs will do what they do every year: nothing. Easily the most insufferable part of getting swept at home is who did the sweeping. But a sociology professor in college taught me long ago the Social Cycle Theory. It argues that 'events and stages of society and history are repeating themselves in cycles.' Ergo, the Cubs suck every year, history will repeat itself and they will suck this year too. It's science. And I have a visual aide to prove my point:
Now I made the mistake on Sunday of taking to the JSONLINE in-game blog and trying to stay positive with these very points. Only to be greeted by guys like BrewCrew69 and BrettFavre4Ever telling me that the season is over and Macha and Melvin should be fired immediately. Everyone needs to pump their brakes. It's April. Just get out of the first month around .500 and go from there. Plus our medicine is already coming with the Pirates in town through Wednesday. That should wake our bats up from the coma they were in over the weekend. Actually come to think of it....our bats were scared! Scared of the curveball! Somebody make sure JOBU has enough rum in the Brewers clubhouse! Bonus word: medicine.
Damn. How could I have possibly missed that headline for yesterday? Like that has literally been bringing my down for the last 20 hours. I guess I could have just pulled down the blog and put a new one up with that headline. But I'm a professional. And I left a 2 strike hanging slider that got belted out of the ball park. Just have to live with it I suppose. Anyhow there were a lot of random sports stories yesterday so here is a sampler platter taking you to the weekend. (mmmmm....sampler platter).
- Good thing Roethlewhateverhisnameis is on suspension, otherwise I would have been worried that Pittsburgh could stage a 4th quarter comeback on Milwaukee yesterday just like they did to Green Bay in December! Nothing worse than when a missed extra point comes back to haunt you. Honestly 20-0? Are the Brewers serious with that? Manny Parra was 1 for 1 with an RBI yesterday for crying out loud. We did leave 12 men on base though. Weak effort fellas, weak effort. In all seriousness this has to be the curse of the Italian sausage haunting Pittsburgh. Like have we lost a game to that squad since Randall Simon KO-ed our racing sausage? At this point Pittsburgh is like prescription medication for the Brewers. Off to a slow start? Fans feeling queasy? Just take on the Pirates once every 24 hours for 3 days and you should feel fine! It's like the Pirates are the spinach to the Brewers Popeye. How many analogies can I come up with?
- In a somewhat related story am I the only one who thought Big Ben got off easy with a 6 (read: 4) game suspension after his sexual assault accusations? If you have 10 hours to kill you should read the entire police report at The Smoking Gun website. Just nasty stuff. And I realize that not everyone gets paid to sit on the internet all day so I'll paraphrase the entire thing for you:
'Ben Roethlisberger is an asshat.'
That should clear things up. Now I know at some point in my life God is going to curse me with having a girl. That's just the way it happens. And I'm going to lay awake at night starting on her 15th birthday worried about guys like this while sharpening knives and cleaning guns. Fathering a daughter 101 right there.
- The Packers got their man yesterday in Bryan Bulaga and didn't have to trade up to do it. Ho-Hum, just another future pro bowler for Ted's resume. Seriously if you're not on the Ted Thompson bandwagon yet I don't know what to tell you. Dude's legit. I can't wait to see what he does in rounds 2-7. But I can tell you whatever he does I'll be watching it on mute. Did anyone else want to stab themselves in the ears listening to ESPN commentary last night? All sorts of brutal. Here's a clip:
Also I'd like to start a formal petition (or a facebook page) to get the NFL draft back to just Saturday and Sunday. When the first four rounds were on all day Saturday that was pound for pound one of the best sports days of the year. Now I can't wait for it to end so I can get to bed. And what if Grey's Anatomy and The Office weren't repeats last night? Does the NFL realize I can only watch or record two things at once?!
- I'm off the Brewers/Cubs game tonight and as most Brewers fans know, spending 3-4 hours in the same location as Cubs fans can be difficult. But to quote one of the best coolers of all time, Patrick Swayze, all you have to do is follow 3 simple rules.
1. Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected
2. Take it outside. Never start anything inside the park unless absolutely necessary.
3. Be Nice. If somebody gets in your face be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't/can't walk, walk him. Be nice. If you can't walk him, find someone to help you, and you'll both be nice. Just remember, if someone talks trash about the Brewers, it's not personal, it's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response. So just remember, I want you to be nice, until it's time to not be nice: