7 ways to officially tell if you’re drinking too much
The hardest part of being a borderline alcoholic is that you have no idea that you are one. A major part of the problem is that you get so drunk, so fast that you never ever realize that no one else ever comes close to reaching your levels of intoxication. Unfortunately, not everyone is as much of an alcohol connoisseur as you are and you’ve started to notice that people are making the craziest excuses not to go out with you anymore.
Think you got your drinking habits under control? Well check this list and see if maybe you might want to lay off drinking a handle with every other meal.
7 You never wake up in the same place twice
Waking up each morning is a treat because you never know exactly where are you or exactly how you should get home. Whether it be a stranger’s bed, a park bench, or a hospital bed, the morning is always an unpredictable adventure. In fact you sold your bed on Craigslist in exchange for a six-pack because you figured those beers would be far more useful than that bed has ever been.
6 Pitchers are just extra-big cups
You get mad when you order a pitcher and all your friends hold out empty cups expecting you to share. Just because they didn’t choose to supersize it doesn’t mean you should treat them to a free beer. Show them you’re double the drinker that they are by ordering another pitcher and double fisting it.
5 Being kicked out is routine
Everyone knows how bar nights go. Drink a lot, accidentally drop a few glasses, offend oversensitive people, and get thrown out by the bouncers. Is there any other way to end the night besides getting forcibly being removed from the bar?
4 Throwing up is normal
The best place to stand in a bar is near a good-sized trash can because after you’re done double fisting a few more of those pitchers, you’re going to need someone to hold your jacket while you throw-up. Going to the bathroom takes too long and besides you can’t really risk losing your seat at the bar by leaving. As that sexy tattoo says on your back (that you don’t remember getting) says “puke and rally.”
3 All your photos involve alcohol
It’s a challenge to find good professional photos because every single one shows you holding alcohol or passed out with penises drawn all over your face. In fact it’s almost impossible to even crop them because in 90% of the photos, you’re holding a bottle, a funnel, or a keg to your mouth. Well, it doesn’t really matter, anyone who sees the photo of you doing body shots on your company website will be sure to think highly of you.
2 Fistfights are routine
People sure do say the dumbest things when you’re drunk. Thankfully you’ve got your fists to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget. It seems like there’s always a point every single time you go out that you’re forced to reach for an empty beer bottle and hit someone. Unlike your opponent you never let a little broken glass, a few black eyes, and a police intervention stop you from enjoying the rest of your night — after all what are 24-hour liquor stores for if not a celebratory nightcap?
1 People think your slur is some kind of foreign accent
You’re drunk more than you’re sober so all the neighborhood locals just assume that your drunken slur is actually some kind of foreign accent — or speech impediment that never got fixed. No one realizes that when you’re sober, you actually are capable of completing sentences and pronouncing words correctly. Most importantly no one realizes that you don’t always stand around with your mouth open and drool dripping out whenever you place a late night food order.