NBC – A 40-year old man, who was arrested in Portland, Ore. on Monday for allegedly washing his genitals in a park drinking fountain, said he was just trying to take a quick bath, according to KGW.com. Jamie Todd Henseler began to undress, according to a police bureau spokesman St. Pete Simpson and started washing his genitals. “He was bathing in the drinking fountain and had his pants down around his ankles and he was totally exposing himself.” Henseler was apprehended and booked into the Multnomah County Jail according to The Oregonian, which first reported the story. He was charged with misuse of a drinking fountain, indecent exposure and disorderly conduct, The Oregonian reported. He was also banned from the park. ”I was arrested because I was taking a bath in and washing up in the fountain because no one cares about me,” Henseler told KGW.com. “They took my housing, took away my medical and social security.”
You ever have one of those moments where you feel a message is being sent to you? One of those sixth sense things that tells you not to get on a plane or when your phone rings you immediately know it's bad news? Well that's what we have here folks. Because if this isn't a message to me about the path I'm currently on then I don't know what is. Like not only does this guy have my last name, but if I keep drinking beer and eating pizza 24/7 this is EXACTLY how I'm going to look in 12 years. This has ghost of Christmas future written all over it. Except instead of being dead I'm apparently holed up in the Pacific Northwest taking bath in public drinking fountains. Either way I think it's time to get my act together. It's time to start eating better and hit the gym* on a regular basis. It's time to care more about my job instead of playing Words with Friends and reading sports blogs all day. It's time to start a 401K instead of gambling away my paycheck every week. Otherwise I'm on the fast track to be blog fodder for other internet degenerates.
*There are many things I miss about my college years but I'd say the #1 thing I miss is having a metabolism. Now granted when I was in school I actually went to the gym on a pretty regular basis. Mainly because you go to class like 3 hours a day and you've got to fill the other 21 hours with something. But there was a time I could drain 10 Natty Ice's then head home and house an entire pizza and wake up no worse for the wear. Now if I eat a granola bar I blow up like Eddie Murray at the end of Nutty Professor. Like I've been hitting the gym hard since March just to get ready for Brat Days and State Fair. That's what it comes to kids. Not training for a marathon or the Olympics; training so I can eat 40,000 calories in a weekend and not end up on the Biggest Loser. Growing up is for the birds.
PS: Hey, Jamie, if you really are me from the future would it hurt you to hook a bro up with a sports almanac? Then I could hammer a bunch of winners for 13 years and we could avoid this whole 'being arrested for washing our nuts in a public drinking fountain' thing.
Double PS: Someone tell my twin when he's done with his pancakes what happens to us in 12 years.