I don't know whether I want to eat this thing or date it. Just a beautiful piece of work here folks. 4 different types of meat (let's act like adults), two types of eggs, two cheeses on a bagel and a side of maple syrup dipping sauce. Seriously the only thing more American than this is if I posted a copy of the Declaration of Independence. Sadly though Nic Cage hasn't posted a picture of it from his house recently so we're SOL.

My only regret here is that I didn't patent this thing when I was in college. Because make no mistake about it; I created this monstrosity long before this bagel shop in Chicago and way before Ron Swanson was even a thing. I remember at the Country Kitchen in Stevens Point they had an all you can eat breakfast buffet that started at 2am on Saturday nights. And it was right down the street from the bars. What a category 5 sh*show that place was at 2:30am. Just packed wall to wall with college kids drunk on skunky beer devouring everything in site. But basically I always got a bagel and then just piled everything else on top of it. Add a cinnamon roll to that list and I'm 70% sure I created this thing and then promptly forgot about it the next morning. #drunkworldproblems

PS: People without mustaches shouldn't be allowed to order this.