« Strange Brew

Guy gives his pits the ol' sniff check at the Nationals game yesterday.

by Jon Henseler

How savage of a move is it to shove your pit fingers in the face of an unsuspecting third party? Savage times infinity. Like this couple has to be married for a thousand years right? I'll grant that I don't know the first thing about a 'normal' relationship but what I have learned is that any relationship is a series of thresholds being broken and then subsequently dealt with. First year or so everyone minds their tongue, gets dressed up for date night, keeps their place in order when the other person is over. You know common respect. But as the years go by you slowly peel away the layers and find out who the person you are dealing with truly is. 'Movie night' at home is accompanied by decades old sweatpants and hoodie's, you find out your boyfriend approaches jean washing on the same timetable as filing income taxes and as you enter a 'relaxed' period of dating, or even just moving in together, you find out your significant other may or may not qualify to be on Hoarders.

Now the big 'hygiene' move I guess is who fires the first audible fart. That's a major threshold. Typically it's the guy who fires that shot because it's common knowledge that girls don't fart. Then the girl in this fictional relationship must decide if she can handle her dude's gas or go find another guy and start the whole cycle again. Because once that first fart is out there and is accepted it's a land-rush. You'll (he'll) never go back to holding farts in again. Because before there was a time where he would wait HOURS during a date to cut loose. The whole ride back from your place to his was a symphony of gastric discourse. But that time is gone once the first one is out, audible and accepted. But even with that setting the stage I'm not sure I've ever reached a point in a relationship where shoving pit fingers in your significant other's face is acceptable behavior. But my guess is they went home together after this happily ever after. True love right there folks. Some see it as a storybook like The Notebook where two people, married for decades pass away next to each other holding hands. I see it as sitting through a Marlins/Nationals game and getting a second opinion on a sniff test.

PS: Her reaction is priceless. Like she walked into a wall.