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Ryan Braun's fictional legal team ASSSSEEEMMMMMBLLLLLEEEEE

by Jon Henseler

Alright so a topic came up on the air yesterday while we were talking about the Ryan Braun saga about who you'd want to represent Braun in a fictional court setting with a fictional legal team. Got a lot of great suggestions, but I wanted to nail it down to a team of 5. So naturally I googled 'fictional lawyers' and found a TON of lists out there. Actors and TV shows that I had long since forgotten. But after literally (figuratively) hours of research, here's the dream team firm I came up with:

#5: Matthew McConaughey from A Time to Kill.

Truth be told if I were ever in legal trouble I may actually just want Wooderson representing me in real life. I mean the final monologue in that movie is one of the greats of all time. I just picture him saying 'Now imagine that boy with the needle in his ass...was white' and the crowd gasping before Mark Attanasio runs out of the courtroom yelling 'INNOCENT, HE'S INNOCENT!' Absolute no brainer.

#4: Barry Zuckerkorn

Actually I might need a tag team effort here. Zuckerkorn (he's very good) in the courtroom and Gene Parmesan to do a little PI work on this Tony Bosch character. Classic one, two punch.

#3: Tom Cruise; A Few Good Men


How good was Tom Cruise in this movie? I actually wanted to become a lawyer for a few years when I was younger and saw this scene. Then I realized it takes like 10 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt and reading at higher than a 6th grade level. So instead I became a degenerate radio DJ/blogger with a mild to severe gambling problem. Came up just short.

#2: Saul Goodman; Breaking Bad

Might 

This one might be a little more obscure, but those have have watched Breaking Bad know you better call Saul! Look bottom line is if Saul can keep Jesse and Walt in the clear while they're slinging blue all over town and murdering Gus Fring, he can probably get Braunie's name cleared and be playing laser tag by lunch. Throw in a degree from American Samoa and the Declaration of Independence behind him like he's Nicolas Cage and you've got yourself a top 3 fictional lawyer.

#1: Jackie Chiles; Seinfeld


Ryan Braun using PED's?! It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!

So there you have it folks. The legal dream team. Now there could be cases made for Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, Adam Sandler in Big Daddy, Matlock, the list goes on. But these are my top 5. 

PS: Mark my words; there is a less than 0% chance that Ryan Braun is suspended for a single game. Did you see Tony Bosch apparently tried to extort money from A-Rod before accepting this deal from MLB? His character is going to hold up like a wet paper towel on an appeal. Now does that mean Braun is innocent? Certainly not/definitely.