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U.S. overcomes Ghana/witchcraft to steal 3 points at the World Cup!

by Jon Henseler

What a night last night! Man I love caring about soccer for 3 weeks every 4 years. Just the right amount. Sort of like my cholesterol in that regard. Although I will admit that I missed Dempsey's first goal because the World Cup apparently actually cares about starting matches on time. Once they marched out onto the pitch I figured I had two national anthem's, some studio analysis, a commercial break etc. Nope. So there I am taking a Jimmy Dugan and I hear people go nuts after Dempsey scored in 37 seconds (American scores in 37 seconds, American women: sounds about right)! Lesson learned for next time. Futbol is not like football where a noon kickoff means 12:07.

I honestly kind of expected a rout after that but I'm pretty sure our man Papa Shango up there put a hex on our squad following that goal. Jozy Altidore goes down with a bum hammy that even the miracle soccer first aid spray couldn't fix and then Dempsey takes some sweet chin music that Owen Wilson-ed his beak. Then Ghana broke through with a goal that you just knew was coming since they pretty much dominated time of possession (TOP, finally something I can understand). So at minute 83 it was looking like we were going for a tie at best until John Brooks headed in a corner kick at minute 86 and signed an endorsement deal with Subway at minute 87. Guy's Wiki page went from a Twitter post to a Grantland article in about 10 minutes. Overall though absolutely awesome stuff last night and love the fact that we got 3 points whatever that means. Also love the fact that I had money on the over of 2.5 total goals! See? Some say my rapidly advancing gambling 'problem' is a bad thing, but it does allow me to watch, learn and enjoy sports I wouldn't normally. I look at it like a Kickstarter fund. Sometimes I'll donate money to a charity and feel good about myself because of it. If you simply replace 'charity' with 'broadening my sports horizons' it's basically the same thing. The donating money part is what they would call in algebra the 'constant.'

PS: I will say that the rush of watching your team score a goal is on par with watching your team hit a big home run, score a touchdown, or capture the snitch. The problem is all the time inbetween. You know how sometimes you drive on a highway and totally forget about what happened for 20 consecutive minutes? That's how I feel about most of a soccer match. Actually that's pretty much how I feel about the last 7 years of my life but that's neither here nor there.

Double PS: Video of people going nuts will never get old: