SWEET SASSY MOLASSY, MARTHA! YEW!
Like most of America, I’ve always kind of had a thing for Martha Stewart. She is, and always has been, an objectively good looking human. But there’s something about that, combined with her ability to cook a world class meal, combined with a soothing and stern tone, combined with a brand that produces an affordable line of home goods, that just does it for me. Like you’d go on a date with Martha and have the best meal of your life, followed by a tutorial about how to be more efficient with your morning routine through preparation and organization the night before. I’ve also always been attracted to people who are better than me and know it. Martha most certainly fits that bill.
Side note: I’m actually somewhat surprised that the SI Swimsuit Issue is still a thing. Feels like something that would have gone the way of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show many years ago. But I’m happy it’s still here!
Because I can recall with VIVID recollection my first every encounter with an SI Swimsuit Issue. Let’s take a trip down memory lane:
*INSERT TIME MACHINE SOUND EFFECTS*
When I was around 8 years old, I had a subscription to Sports Illustrated for Kids. I’m not sure if that publication even exists anymore (and even though a simple Google search would give me an answer, I’ll just march on in ambiguity). But that magazine was essentially Sports Illustrated minus the more risky stories and cigarette ads, and with a TON of flashy colors, graphics, and trading cards. It was honestly pretty awesome now that I think back on it.
But, like most kids, I was in a rush to grow up. I wanted the stories about steroids, I wanted the stories about extramarital affairs, I wanted Joe Camel giving me a thumbs up every few pages. So I bugged my parents to get me a subscription to the ‘real’ Sports Illustrated.
They finally relented in December of 1995. I was 11 years old. That Christmas I opened a gift box that I thought was going to be a shirt or something that I didn’t want, and it turned out to be a copy of Sports Illustrated. Nebraska quarterback, Tommy Frazier, was on the cover:
Why am I able to recall that with clarity and forget my lunch at home 2 days a week? We’ll never know.
Related: This is not only a story about my youth, but a side story about the last time Nebraska was relevant. Boom roasted.
But I was PUMPED to have the real deal SI delivered every single week.
Well what my little 11-year old brain hadn’t’ even considered, was that with the SI subscription, came the yearly SI Swimsuit Issue. Imagine my surprise one month later when I opened the mailbox on our front porch, reached in to grab my weekly SI issue, and saw this:
Weak knees, elevated heart rate, light head. It hit me all at once that this was a part of my subscription and I’d be getting it every year.
Now, like any kid raised in a Catholic household, my Catholic guilt forced me to tell me parents about this development. I remember some surprise, but everyone ultimately landed on it be fairly harmless to my young mind. Say 10 Hail Mary’s and we’ll let it slide. Done and done.
But it is my firm belief that anyone who is into the SI Swimsuit Issue remembers clearly that first magazine they saw/got. That was mine.
PS: SI for Kids IS still a thing!
It doesn’t look as cool as it did the early 90’s:
But I’m happy it’s still available.
